Jackson talked me into it and we blew our last forty notes on train tickets. I wanted to hitch, we'd have got a lift easy enough and had a bit more cash left for stuff but I can't say no to him, he's just so gentle and defenceless. He said we just had to get out, get the fuck out of this shitty place and be somewhere better, at the seaside.
Right there in front of everyone on the train he hugged me, really hugged me like he didn't ever let go and I was so fucking embarrassed I must have been bright red and I was a bit pissed off with him but what the fuck I just can't say no to him. He does love me, that's obvious but I dont know if I love him back, it's more complicated than that. I want to look after him, for fuck's sake someone has to and they weren't doing it. I can do it, I'm Tommy. I just don't know if it goes any deeper than that and I know he wants the whole romantic deal like one fucking big Valentine's Day for all his life.
There was an old lady watching us and she smiled and said we made a cute couple and that we reminded her of her grandchildren and right there Jackson told her that he loved me, I didn't know what to say. She was nice though and got us some sandwiches and talked a lot about her grandchildren and her husband who died. Poor old bat was probably lonely and needed company but it was good to get some food. That's part of what frightens me about falling in love with Jackson though, what the fuck's he going to do when I'm not there anymore, how's he going to take care of himself without Tommy?
After a bit I fell asleep, it was a long night and I didn't sleep much, too busy worrying about Jackson and how he's going to survive all this shit. fuck he makes me feel so old sometimes.
Well we're here but what're we going to do, where are we going to go? Jackson's managed to find enough cash for some fags and booze which I'll have to get, he's got no chance looking like a little kid then he says why don't we just sleep on the beach. Shit, why not, can't be any worse than under that bridge last night with all the noise and sparks and Jackson so cold I though he might die. It doesn't feel as cold tonight so bollocks to it I strip of my clothes, every last stitch and run straight in to the sea and then Jackson's naked too and the big waves are knocking us all over the place.
I don't know if I love him, I've never loved anyone before so I've got nothing to go on but I could really get used to the idea of being with him like this so that's what I tell him. Now we're lying here naked on a beach and he wants to cuddle and that's OK, if it's not love then whatever it is will do for now. He's asleep now, I wonder what he's dreaming about, and he looks so young and vulnerable. He needs someone to hold him all the time I think, I s'pose that's going to be me. I don't think I mind the idea too much and maybe that's what love really is, I dunno.
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