Jacqueline is well proud of herself. The longest ten blocks she's ever walked -- walked, for chrissake's, not even taking a car service -- and every bit of the way she manages not to cry in public. Trying hard not to think that for the first time in two decades she's living out of a suitcase which has precious few clothes and a lot of photos of Jackson and her as he grew up. She knocks on the door and Eileen, her boss but also her only real friend, answers.
'Jacqueline,' says the woman with a degree of warmth that would alarm anyone else who worked with her. 'How are you, love?'
All the strength Jacqueline mustered vanishes and she answers by bursting out in tears.
'Come in, come in, let's get you some wine,' says Eileen, ushering her inside.
Chardonnay, of course, always chardonnay, even though Eileen hates it it's the sort of thing a woman is expected to drink in their line of work.
Jacqueline sips first, wincing, before taking a big gulp.
'So, what happened, love?'
'I got up this morning and I turned to Robert and told him if I had to wake up next to him one more day, I...I...I told him I wanted to smash his goddamned face in.'
Eileen laughs and refreshes her glass.
'I mean, why, love? You always seemed like such a perfect couple. What happened?'
'Jackson happened,' blurts Jacqueline before she realises what she's just said which starts her crying again. How typical, she thinks, none of this is Jackson's fault but he's an easy target.
'You never told me, how did you and Robert meet?' asks Eileen, careful to evade that last remark.
'It was the nineties, you know, I defied father and moved to London, finding a tiny little apartment with my own money where I could paint and sell paintings to tourists on the sidewalks. And then one night, after a big day of sales, I had too many martinis. This young man struck up a conversation with me and, well, now it sounds stupid, but it was love at first sight.'
'Robert? He's perhaps the least likely man I would expect to have that effect on someone.'
'He wasn't Robert then, he was Robby, I should have known, rich Oxford kid slumming about in London. But those first months were so great, we ate bad takeaway and I painted and we blasted Nirvana and Pearl Jam whilst making love-'
Jacqueline cuts herself short, wondering if that was too much information. But Eileen seems transfixed so she continues.
'And then one day I said "Robby, we're pregnant" and he turned as white as a ghost. I thought he'd be thrilled, a chance for him and I to raise this wonderful child, you know? But then he started pacing about and the first thing out of his mouth was "Right, well, we have to get married at once, get in front of this thing. It's been an appropriate amount of time courting." And I felt as if he'd just slapped me across the face, overnight he changed. It was all about his father's money and approval, you see. Which started me thinking about my own father and the warnings he gave me about running away to the city.'
'So you got married rather quickly, I suppose?'
'A week on from the wedding and we had a nice proper place in Maida Vale, some place his family owned, and not a bit of Nirvana or a paintbrush in sight, but always a Bible on the nightstand. Just in time, he would later say, hopefully not so close that anyone could put two and two together when Jackson was born so soon.'
'That would be scandalous.'
'Yes, Robert was correct, it would have been. I woke in hospital just after Jackson was born and no one was there, so I turned on the telly and the first thing I saw on the news was they'd just found Kurt Cobain dead. I started to cry, but then the nurse brought Jackson in and he was such a beautiful baby that it made me feel better. I think even then I realised despite trying so much to escape, I'd just married my father, and that Jackson was born the day my favourite musician was found dead was too ironic.'
'Does Jackson know about the circumstances around his birth?'
'No, and I don't know if I should tell him. He's found his own someone special, Eileen. Another boy.'
Eileen chokes on her wine.
'Well, he certainly knows how to get you back, doesn't he?' she says and instantly regrets saying that so she adds 'it's not the dark ages, you know. It happens all of the time these days.'
Jacqueline pops open her percosets and washes a couple down with more chardonnay. God she never realised how much she hates chardonnay, it's just one step ahead of servitude to expect this to be a proper woman's drink.
'You're going to kill yourself with those things if you're not careful, love.'
'Maybe that would be for the best, for Jackson's sake.'
'Shush, don't talk like that.'
'Why? He's finally happy, I've been a terrible mum to him and now he finally has someone who makes him happy it seems.'
'Does it bother you that he's queer? Or what is it?'
'No,' she says, and pauses. 'It terrifies me that if I try to get back into his life, their lives, I'll do to him what father and Robert did to me. And he really is just a wonderful boy, so much his own person. You know, I don't believe I ever really told him that, Eileen.'
'I'm sure you did, love. You showed him that, I'm sure.'
'I wonder if...if...because I never picked up that paintbrush again, I made him do it every day in my stead.'
'You yourself just said he's his own person.'
'Do you know what he did that last morning he left? Robert tried to stop him and...and he kicked the little man right in the balls, so hard he tipped right over like a sleeping cow.'
Now she's laughing so hard it's making her cry. Eileen looks at her as if she's gone quite mad for a minute then joins in until they're both laughing hysterically.
'Oh, Christ. Eileen. I'm so scared.'
'Take your time, love, you can take off work if need be and you'll always have a job when you're ready to come back. And you can stay in the guestroom as long as you need to as well.'
'Thank you, Eileen, that means so much to me. Just...'
'Just what, love?'
'What do I do now?'
10 April 2010
09 April 2010
jackson
It's breakfast time now and f my head is killing me. Auntie tells me mum is going to be a few more days as she has things to sort out.
'Did you tell her?'
'She's my sister, Jackson.'
Tommy wanders into the room, looking well dazed and jumps when he sees me, checking behind him as if he expected I'd been following him from the room. I just smile at him.
I decide not to ask anymore details of Aunty. I'm hungry as f and busy with our breakfast. Auntie is having hers in a cup that smells like tea mixed with gasoline. Tommy's stomach is growling so I make him a plate with eggs and bacon and toast. He blinks at me in surprise.
'You made....' he starts and I'm just 'yeah, I know how to cook a bit' almost at the same time Tommy asks 'you can cook?' then 'did your mum teach you?'
Auntie chokes on her toxic tea and Tommy looks a bit annoyed for a second, I guess I get why, I mean there's part of him I guess wishes he'd had a mum around even if she was shit like mine. If only he knew. I guess he likes that I made him breakfast, can't quite tell from his expression, I hope so cos there's a lot of good surprises about me for him to learn as we start our lives together.
'Learning to cook was self-defense,' I say to break the ice, which gets a laugh out of Auntie and a half-smile from Tommy, that cute flash he gives sometimes when I catch him off guard.
'Tommy, I trust you've never had Jacky's cooking. She's my sister and I love her, but she never even sorted out how to make toast and tea.'
'Don't tell her,' I say before I realise it. Somehow I want this to be a secret from her, not entirely sure why but it's one of the few things about me she never knew about or got the chance to try and 'fix'.
Seems like that's the key to surviving, the secrets. When I was fourteen me and an older boy got caught, fortunately only with a pint of vodka as we'd tried the other thing already (not with much luck), and I got read to from some 'successful parenting' pamphlet for days about the dangers of alcohol. A few weeks on, my pen quit on me so I went rummaging in her office to find one. 'Why are there two huge aspirin bottles in the house' I remember thinking so I took a look inside and it wasn't aspirin. Whatever it was, I tried one and f if that didn't put me down like a horse with a broken leg for six hours, had to fake I was coming down with a cold. Next night I snuck out to where I could watch her 'working late' -- always with the headphones, f, no one for two flats on either side could think or sleep with pops snoring unless they grew up next to an RAF base in the second world war.
She was drinking and popping those pills like candy. I thought I heard her crying soft which freaked me a bit, so I just went back into my room and put on my own headphones. A valuable lesson, Jackson, secrets keep you safe, and I figured out how to sneak in my WKD red or blue so they never noticed. Almost got caught with it, but I'm quick like that, I pretended to be revising so mum just assumed it was an energy drink, or maybe she didn't notice the giant bottle at all.
The only problem with secrets is the safer they make you I guess the more you need to feel safe. Special breakfasts my pops claimed he'd made for mum from time to time that I'd just made for myself and he basic'ly took away mine to give to her. Then on I always 'overslept' when really I just lay awake til the last minute so I could avoid trying to choke down her awful cooking and grab McD's instead, mum worried as I never seemed to eat much. No, doctors said I was healthy though, mysteries abound, he's a teenager became the explanation.
The night before the big row I thought I heard something and peeked around the corner into the office. Pills, check, glass of alcohol, check, headphones on the floor, but no mum. Their bathroom door was shut so I got brave and snuck closer. I heard mum in there, sounded like she was crying and maybe puking a bit. I had to retreat to my room fast cos it made me laugh. Pretended to be asleep with my phones on though f I forgot to turn off my desklamp. She stuck her head in and asked 'Jackson?' all quiet. I kept faking sleep. She started towards my bed like she thought for a minute about giving me a goodnight kiss like when I was little, then thank f changed her mind, shut off my lamp and left me alone.
Secrets, they always keep Jackson safe.
For the first time, with Tommy, I feel okay about sharing my secrets, I know it's a bit of a switch-up for him and I gotta explain to him somehow why I seem so different now. Living in that house under their guard was like...like in the zoo where they got the animals behind glass and they tell you not to bang on it cos the sound is a million times louder to the poor thing trapped in there than you could ever imagine. I'm sure once he gets used to not having to play babysitter like he did with his old man he'll sort out that it's not a bad thing, it's just a huge f'ing relief.
'Did you tell her?'
'She's my sister, Jackson.'
Tommy wanders into the room, looking well dazed and jumps when he sees me, checking behind him as if he expected I'd been following him from the room. I just smile at him.
I decide not to ask anymore details of Aunty. I'm hungry as f and busy with our breakfast. Auntie is having hers in a cup that smells like tea mixed with gasoline. Tommy's stomach is growling so I make him a plate with eggs and bacon and toast. He blinks at me in surprise.
'You made....' he starts and I'm just 'yeah, I know how to cook a bit' almost at the same time Tommy asks 'you can cook?' then 'did your mum teach you?'
Auntie chokes on her toxic tea and Tommy looks a bit annoyed for a second, I guess I get why, I mean there's part of him I guess wishes he'd had a mum around even if she was shit like mine. If only he knew. I guess he likes that I made him breakfast, can't quite tell from his expression, I hope so cos there's a lot of good surprises about me for him to learn as we start our lives together.
'Learning to cook was self-defense,' I say to break the ice, which gets a laugh out of Auntie and a half-smile from Tommy, that cute flash he gives sometimes when I catch him off guard.
'Tommy, I trust you've never had Jacky's cooking. She's my sister and I love her, but she never even sorted out how to make toast and tea.'
'Don't tell her,' I say before I realise it. Somehow I want this to be a secret from her, not entirely sure why but it's one of the few things about me she never knew about or got the chance to try and 'fix'.
Seems like that's the key to surviving, the secrets. When I was fourteen me and an older boy got caught, fortunately only with a pint of vodka as we'd tried the other thing already (not with much luck), and I got read to from some 'successful parenting' pamphlet for days about the dangers of alcohol. A few weeks on, my pen quit on me so I went rummaging in her office to find one. 'Why are there two huge aspirin bottles in the house' I remember thinking so I took a look inside and it wasn't aspirin. Whatever it was, I tried one and f if that didn't put me down like a horse with a broken leg for six hours, had to fake I was coming down with a cold. Next night I snuck out to where I could watch her 'working late' -- always with the headphones, f, no one for two flats on either side could think or sleep with pops snoring unless they grew up next to an RAF base in the second world war.
She was drinking and popping those pills like candy. I thought I heard her crying soft which freaked me a bit, so I just went back into my room and put on my own headphones. A valuable lesson, Jackson, secrets keep you safe, and I figured out how to sneak in my WKD red or blue so they never noticed. Almost got caught with it, but I'm quick like that, I pretended to be revising so mum just assumed it was an energy drink, or maybe she didn't notice the giant bottle at all.
The only problem with secrets is the safer they make you I guess the more you need to feel safe. Special breakfasts my pops claimed he'd made for mum from time to time that I'd just made for myself and he basic'ly took away mine to give to her. Then on I always 'overslept' when really I just lay awake til the last minute so I could avoid trying to choke down her awful cooking and grab McD's instead, mum worried as I never seemed to eat much. No, doctors said I was healthy though, mysteries abound, he's a teenager became the explanation.
The night before the big row I thought I heard something and peeked around the corner into the office. Pills, check, glass of alcohol, check, headphones on the floor, but no mum. Their bathroom door was shut so I got brave and snuck closer. I heard mum in there, sounded like she was crying and maybe puking a bit. I had to retreat to my room fast cos it made me laugh. Pretended to be asleep with my phones on though f I forgot to turn off my desklamp. She stuck her head in and asked 'Jackson?' all quiet. I kept faking sleep. She started towards my bed like she thought for a minute about giving me a goodnight kiss like when I was little, then thank f changed her mind, shut off my lamp and left me alone.
Secrets, they always keep Jackson safe.
For the first time, with Tommy, I feel okay about sharing my secrets, I know it's a bit of a switch-up for him and I gotta explain to him somehow why I seem so different now. Living in that house under their guard was like...like in the zoo where they got the animals behind glass and they tell you not to bang on it cos the sound is a million times louder to the poor thing trapped in there than you could ever imagine. I'm sure once he gets used to not having to play babysitter like he did with his old man he'll sort out that it's not a bad thing, it's just a huge f'ing relief.
Tommy
Shit but it was good to wake up in a warm, dry bed instead of under a bridge or on a beach, freezing cold and worried about the cops coming along. This Aunty seems a nice sort and obviously cares about Jackson and she seemed ok with him introducing me as his boyfriend. I'm not too sure about meeting Jackson's Mum though, I'm a bit worried that she'll see me as the bad guy who stole her little boy away from her. Good to hear that she's dumped that loser of a husband though, he was most of what was fucking Jackson up.
Jackson's changed since we got here, it's like he wants to be in control and I'm not too happy about that. He wouldn't even be here if I hadn't got everything organised and looked after him every step of the way. When his Mum arrives I'm going to be the outsider, what's she going to think of me? He totally took me by surprise during the night wanting to fuck me and all, he's never done anything like that before. I'm not saying I didn't enjoy it after I got over the pain bit but it was just so unlike him to want to be in control like that. If we end up getting a place together one of us is going to have to be in control to make sure things get done and I'm the one to do that, I organised everything at home right up to the end, the old man couldn't have survived without me.
It's nice here though, sitting out here in just a pair of boxers having a fag and looking at the sea, all shiny like in the pictures, nothing like the big waves we were getting knocked around by when we slept on the beach. Oh well, I can smell breakfast and that's the best idea going just now, I'm bloody starving. Got to think about this whole new situation with Jackson though, we've got to sort it out and quick or everything could fall apart and I don't think he can handle that. Whatever hhinks he still needs Tommy to take care of things for him.
Jackson's changed since we got here, it's like he wants to be in control and I'm not too happy about that. He wouldn't even be here if I hadn't got everything organised and looked after him every step of the way. When his Mum arrives I'm going to be the outsider, what's she going to think of me? He totally took me by surprise during the night wanting to fuck me and all, he's never done anything like that before. I'm not saying I didn't enjoy it after I got over the pain bit but it was just so unlike him to want to be in control like that. If we end up getting a place together one of us is going to have to be in control to make sure things get done and I'm the one to do that, I organised everything at home right up to the end, the old man couldn't have survived without me.
It's nice here though, sitting out here in just a pair of boxers having a fag and looking at the sea, all shiny like in the pictures, nothing like the big waves we were getting knocked around by when we slept on the beach. Oh well, I can smell breakfast and that's the best idea going just now, I'm bloody starving. Got to think about this whole new situation with Jackson though, we've got to sort it out and quick or everything could fall apart and I don't think he can handle that. Whatever hhinks he still needs Tommy to take care of things for him.
07 April 2010
jackson
I wake up in the middle of night, dying of thirst, f I'm not use to liquor really but I know enough that if I don't find water well quick the next day is gonna be horrible pain on top of dealing with mum. I gulp down three glasses, cursing the tiny little paper cups people always stick in their WC's, I mean who the f drinks that little of anything except liquor without wanting more?
F, I feel like a swallowed a cotton plant. I juggle three small cups from the WC back to the bed, narrowly avoiding falling all over my muddy kicks, and position them careful on the small table next to my side before I notice that there's a giant bottle of water sitting there.
'Fucking genious, Jackson,' I mutter. There's a nice cool breeze coming through the half-open door to a little porch, kinda sparkling with salt, and the surf is crashing away, f it's like I've been transported back to last time when I was here, what was I, like six, seven? It seems like forever and I never was told why mum and pops never took me back. I find the leftover Johnny and the bottle, cracking open both and taking a big gulp of the water before realizing I didn't even check to see if it had gas or was still.
It's nice out here, a little cool, just naked in the dark listening to the sea. I always did this when I was little, afraid of getting caught but the seabreeze just feels so good against my skin.
Tommy's got to be nervous, I guess, f, I'm nervous, wondering if mum is coming down cos she implanted some sort of GPS on me or if she reads my mind or maybe what Auntie said bout her and dad is true. I mean I don't have any brothers or sisters but I can figure that she would want to see her sister if pops and her really did split, Auntie's such a sweet woman.
But if that's the reason she's wandering right into the most awkward f'ing situation just like me and well I'd rather spend two days at the dentist. The other thing going through my head is why she quit him, I mean, if it's my fault I do feel bad. Even after that massive row...she's still my mum.
Bad thoughts are creeping into my mind now, I mean the only special thing that time was me getting in the middle of their fight, they'd fought way worse plenty of times before.
It's a question that makes me wonder if there was more going on than I could see through my thick head.
More Johnny. I'm so not looking forward to tomorrow. Slow down, Jackson, if you think it's gonna be shit wait til what happens if you're obvious shitfaced.
Nothing she can say is gonna change my mind, to be sure, I don't have doubts at all about me and Tommy except exactly how we're gonna manage for the first bits til we get shit sorted.
My eyes are starting to shut now so I take a big gulp of each bottle and stumble inside, pleasantly calm and warm for now. Tommy is sleeping on his back like always, no f'ing clue how he can walk after sleeping like that. I curl up on top of his naked chest and let the soft breeze of his breath carry me off to sleep.
F, I feel like a swallowed a cotton plant. I juggle three small cups from the WC back to the bed, narrowly avoiding falling all over my muddy kicks, and position them careful on the small table next to my side before I notice that there's a giant bottle of water sitting there.
'Fucking genious, Jackson,' I mutter. There's a nice cool breeze coming through the half-open door to a little porch, kinda sparkling with salt, and the surf is crashing away, f it's like I've been transported back to last time when I was here, what was I, like six, seven? It seems like forever and I never was told why mum and pops never took me back. I find the leftover Johnny and the bottle, cracking open both and taking a big gulp of the water before realizing I didn't even check to see if it had gas or was still.
It's nice out here, a little cool, just naked in the dark listening to the sea. I always did this when I was little, afraid of getting caught but the seabreeze just feels so good against my skin.
Tommy's got to be nervous, I guess, f, I'm nervous, wondering if mum is coming down cos she implanted some sort of GPS on me or if she reads my mind or maybe what Auntie said bout her and dad is true. I mean I don't have any brothers or sisters but I can figure that she would want to see her sister if pops and her really did split, Auntie's such a sweet woman.
But if that's the reason she's wandering right into the most awkward f'ing situation just like me and well I'd rather spend two days at the dentist. The other thing going through my head is why she quit him, I mean, if it's my fault I do feel bad. Even after that massive row...she's still my mum.
Bad thoughts are creeping into my mind now, I mean the only special thing that time was me getting in the middle of their fight, they'd fought way worse plenty of times before.
It's a question that makes me wonder if there was more going on than I could see through my thick head.
More Johnny. I'm so not looking forward to tomorrow. Slow down, Jackson, if you think it's gonna be shit wait til what happens if you're obvious shitfaced.
Nothing she can say is gonna change my mind, to be sure, I don't have doubts at all about me and Tommy except exactly how we're gonna manage for the first bits til we get shit sorted.
My eyes are starting to shut now so I take a big gulp of each bottle and stumble inside, pleasantly calm and warm for now. Tommy is sleeping on his back like always, no f'ing clue how he can walk after sleeping like that. I curl up on top of his naked chest and let the soft breeze of his breath carry me off to sleep.
04 April 2010
Tommy
We've made it to his Auntie's house so Jackson introduces me but the first thing she says is that Jackson's Mum called and she's worried. It's like he hasn't heard her 'cos he just ploughs on
"Aunty, this isn't just my friend"
"Oh"
Not much of an answer but perhaps his parents have been so tied up with their own problems it never occurred to them to mention the boy that used to sleep over with Jackson all the time
"Well it's a pleasure to meet you Thomas"
"Tommy"
Let's get it straight right now, I'm Tommy and nothing else. The only person who called me Thomas won't be doing it any more.
"You look worn out"
"It's keeping up with him"
I'm completely shagged and practically asleep on my feet, it's been the longest few days ever what with all the running, sleeping rough and worrying about what'll happen to Jackson if this goes wrong. Jackson asks if he can put me to bed which sounds like the best idea ever, a warm bed is just what I need so I strip down to my boxers, climb in and that's it, I'm out. Next thing I know I'm waking up with Jackson kissing me awake and he's brought whisky with him, so I light up a fag and have a drink. Then he tells me that his Mum's left his Dad and she's coming here.
"Shit, d'you think she'll go for this?"
I mean us, is she going to handle her one and only being gay and how's she going to deal with meeting the boy friend, the one he ran away with? He's like
"Tommy, I love you and if she can't doesn't then fuck it"
Only two hits on the whisky bottle which is Johnny Walker, good stuff, and I'm gone again. When I wake up I'm naked and Jackson's fucking me. He's never done that before, never even askedd me if could but I've got to admit it feels good and all I can think of is
"I love you, it hurts"
He comes inside me which feels good as well, we don't bother with rubbers and after he's just hugging me but with his cock still inside me. It's like he's trying to take control of things and I'm not sure I'm going to let that happen so I might have to think up a way of keeping him in his place. I've got a couple of ideas about that and he might even enjoy it.
"Aunty, this isn't just my friend"
"Oh"
Not much of an answer but perhaps his parents have been so tied up with their own problems it never occurred to them to mention the boy that used to sleep over with Jackson all the time
"Well it's a pleasure to meet you Thomas"
"Tommy"
Let's get it straight right now, I'm Tommy and nothing else. The only person who called me Thomas won't be doing it any more.
"You look worn out"
"It's keeping up with him"
I'm completely shagged and practically asleep on my feet, it's been the longest few days ever what with all the running, sleeping rough and worrying about what'll happen to Jackson if this goes wrong. Jackson asks if he can put me to bed which sounds like the best idea ever, a warm bed is just what I need so I strip down to my boxers, climb in and that's it, I'm out. Next thing I know I'm waking up with Jackson kissing me awake and he's brought whisky with him, so I light up a fag and have a drink. Then he tells me that his Mum's left his Dad and she's coming here.
"Shit, d'you think she'll go for this?"
I mean us, is she going to handle her one and only being gay and how's she going to deal with meeting the boy friend, the one he ran away with? He's like
"Tommy, I love you and if she can't doesn't then fuck it"
Only two hits on the whisky bottle which is Johnny Walker, good stuff, and I'm gone again. When I wake up I'm naked and Jackson's fucking me. He's never done that before, never even askedd me if could but I've got to admit it feels good and all I can think of is
"I love you, it hurts"
He comes inside me which feels good as well, we don't bother with rubbers and after he's just hugging me but with his cock still inside me. It's like he's trying to take control of things and I'm not sure I'm going to let that happen so I might have to think up a way of keeping him in his place. I've got a couple of ideas about that and he might even enjoy it.
03 April 2010
jackson
'Hey' is all I can say 'this Tommy,uhm'
'Jacky called me, she was scared for you.'
'Don't tell he-'
'It's better I do. She's worried and, well-'
'Auntie, this isn't just my friend.'
'Oh.'
'Well, it's a pleasure to meet you, Thomas/' and he corrects her 'Tommy'
'You look worn out,' she says 'it's well keeping up with him' he means me and jumps a bit when I try to kiss him but then I guess it's okay. We're safe here and I ask if it's okay to put him to bed, she's sweet so says sure and f he almost drops but he looks so cute when he's sleeping like a kid. She pets my hair and says 'rigth let's do this proper' which I don't know what that means but I sort it soon.
She has the Johnny Walker out and makes me drink a huge thing which almost makes me puke but it's kinda warm.
'Cheers,' she says and I'm like 'what' and she's like 'You finally got Jacky to leave that bastard' and now I'm like 'Mum left dad?'
Which I think is best but now what.
"Does he treat you well?'
Tommy? Better than they ever did' and I just say it 'the fucking is incredible' before I know what I'm saying and she chokes on her drink.
We both drain our glasses and need more, she does't even blink when I kill one more.
'Shit at least you didnt make Jacky's mistake, first big cock and bam a wedding.'
'How do I know if it's real?' I ask and we got one more drink.
'Does it feel right?'
'Better than,-'
'Then go curl up with him and tell him you mean it.'
'No more booze?'
'God no, your mum is gonna be here tomorrow and I don't want this to be a mess, I want a proper introduction. She's worried Jackson, do you blame her. At least with this boy you'll take a lot off her mind.'
She lied, I stole bit more of it and brought Tommy some well okay she fell asleep so I brought the whole thing.
I woke him with aa kiss and have to tell the news anyway so he's just smoking and downing the Johnny faster as I tell him and he's like 'do you think your mum will go for this' and I'm like 'Tommy, I love you, if shee doesnt then fuck it' and I guessed that worked cos only two hits and he's back asleep. I pull his boxers off cos he won't mind and smoke while he sleeps, f he's just so beautiful like this, how did I stumble onto him. Kid would do anything for me and just maybe I can do something for him. Like introdice him proper to my mmum, and if he's okay make it official cos I know how I feel and that won't quit.
He grunts a bit like he's pretending to be still asleep but f I love feeling me inside him and cum like three times, No rubbers, we don't use them as this is It. And he likes it just when I cum he's like 'okay i love you, it hurts' and curl up next to him and he flops on top of me, this it, now. He's never let me fuck him before and honest I never felt like it but it's taking everything to pull out and I try and he says stay in so I'm just hugging him now basically. Just my cock is in him. And he likes that.
Tommy isn't in control for once and I'm horny fuck so yeah I gve it to him again and when wake up maybe more.
'Jacky called me, she was scared for you.'
'Don't tell he-'
'It's better I do. She's worried and, well-'
'Auntie, this isn't just my friend.'
'Oh.'
'Well, it's a pleasure to meet you, Thomas/' and he corrects her 'Tommy'
'You look worn out,' she says 'it's well keeping up with him' he means me and jumps a bit when I try to kiss him but then I guess it's okay. We're safe here and I ask if it's okay to put him to bed, she's sweet so says sure and f he almost drops but he looks so cute when he's sleeping like a kid. She pets my hair and says 'rigth let's do this proper' which I don't know what that means but I sort it soon.
She has the Johnny Walker out and makes me drink a huge thing which almost makes me puke but it's kinda warm.
'Cheers,' she says and I'm like 'what' and she's like 'You finally got Jacky to leave that bastard' and now I'm like 'Mum left dad?'
Which I think is best but now what.
"Does he treat you well?'
Tommy? Better than they ever did' and I just say it 'the fucking is incredible' before I know what I'm saying and she chokes on her drink.
We both drain our glasses and need more, she does't even blink when I kill one more.
'Shit at least you didnt make Jacky's mistake, first big cock and bam a wedding.'
'How do I know if it's real?' I ask and we got one more drink.
'Does it feel right?'
'Better than,-'
'Then go curl up with him and tell him you mean it.'
'No more booze?'
'God no, your mum is gonna be here tomorrow and I don't want this to be a mess, I want a proper introduction. She's worried Jackson, do you blame her. At least with this boy you'll take a lot off her mind.'
She lied, I stole bit more of it and brought Tommy some well okay she fell asleep so I brought the whole thing.
I woke him with aa kiss and have to tell the news anyway so he's just smoking and downing the Johnny faster as I tell him and he's like 'do you think your mum will go for this' and I'm like 'Tommy, I love you, if shee doesnt then fuck it' and I guessed that worked cos only two hits and he's back asleep. I pull his boxers off cos he won't mind and smoke while he sleeps, f he's just so beautiful like this, how did I stumble onto him. Kid would do anything for me and just maybe I can do something for him. Like introdice him proper to my mmum, and if he's okay make it official cos I know how I feel and that won't quit.
He grunts a bit like he's pretending to be still asleep but f I love feeling me inside him and cum like three times, No rubbers, we don't use them as this is It. And he likes it just when I cum he's like 'okay i love you, it hurts' and curl up next to him and he flops on top of me, this it, now. He's never let me fuck him before and honest I never felt like it but it's taking everything to pull out and I try and he says stay in so I'm just hugging him now basically. Just my cock is in him. And he likes that.
Tommy isn't in control for once and I'm horny fuck so yeah I gve it to him again and when wake up maybe more.
jackson
I smoke a fag and it's cold out so I can't help but shake.
When Tommy does me it feels so right, so real, but every other it's like we're brothers. i can't explain, he got us WKD so I'm sucking it down, copper did yell at me but I made up some shit and all he ended up doing was give me a pat on the back. It's so f'ing freezing and people just stay the f away from me, I just wanna get some place warm for us. Maybe Spain or Florida in the US but if we go there we cant get married.
Tommy woke and he's not good at mornings so he just steals my WKD and asks 'now what' and ffs I wish I knew the answer I just wanna sleep and wake next to him warm where we're safe,I am so freaked here cos this is the first place they'll look for me. Damn stupid Jackson. I talked Tommy into this and he's older so he's gonna get in way more shit.
'Are you serious?' I ask.
'About what?'
'Us.'
And f if he doesn't just say 'ya of course' and now things get complicated.
When Tommy does me it feels so right, so real, but every other it's like we're brothers. i can't explain, he got us WKD so I'm sucking it down, copper did yell at me but I made up some shit and all he ended up doing was give me a pat on the back. It's so f'ing freezing and people just stay the f away from me, I just wanna get some place warm for us. Maybe Spain or Florida in the US but if we go there we cant get married.
Tommy woke and he's not good at mornings so he just steals my WKD and asks 'now what' and ffs I wish I knew the answer I just wanna sleep and wake next to him warm where we're safe,I am so freaked here cos this is the first place they'll look for me. Damn stupid Jackson. I talked Tommy into this and he's older so he's gonna get in way more shit.
'Are you serious?' I ask.
'About what?'
'Us.'
And f if he doesn't just say 'ya of course' and now things get complicated.
Tommy - day three
Jackson woke me at first light which got me pissed, I don't do mornings too well. I tried to roll over to get back to sleep but he kept on at me saying we can't stay here or the coppers will find us. I s'pose he's right but it's just too fucking early yet. Next thing I know he's sucking me and then he's managed to work it so that I'm inside him so I start giving him what he wants. He's so into it that he doesn't even seem to care when he drops a lump of fag ash in his dick, that's got to sting for fuck's sake but he says it feels good which is seriously fucked up but what the hell. I flip him over on his back and drive in hard. I'm hurting him, I know I am but the more it hurts the more he seems to want it and staring into his face I ask the question
"Do you love me?"
"Yeah"
He gives a little sqeal of pain and I push his legs back to drive in deeper and harder which is really hurting him. He tells me not to pull out, he wants me to come in side him, but I'm already doing it.
"You can go again"
Yes I can and just before I get there he's going off all over himself and that puts me over the edge again and right as I'm letting go the words just come out
"I think I love you"
There, I've said it even though I didn't mean to, wasn't sure that it was true but now it has to be true, I can't hurt him by taking the words back.
We run into the sea to clean up and now it's time to see if we can find his Aunt and get something sorted out. I hope to fuck she doesn't split on us, this is Jackson's dream and I don't think he'll cope it if all goes wrong.
"Do you love me?"
"Yeah"
He gives a little sqeal of pain and I push his legs back to drive in deeper and harder which is really hurting him. He tells me not to pull out, he wants me to come in side him, but I'm already doing it.
"You can go again"
Yes I can and just before I get there he's going off all over himself and that puts me over the edge again and right as I'm letting go the words just come out
"I think I love you"
There, I've said it even though I didn't mean to, wasn't sure that it was true but now it has to be true, I can't hurt him by taking the words back.
We run into the sea to clean up and now it's time to see if we can find his Aunt and get something sorted out. I hope to fuck she doesn't split on us, this is Jackson's dream and I don't think he'll cope it if all goes wrong.
jackson - day three
I wake at dawn and I know today is big day so I nudge him gentle and he grunts like okay I know no one wants to get up so early. And we can't keep sleeping here, the coppers will show, surprised they haven't yet. I smoke a fag and Tommy tries to roll over but I won't let him. Plans and all that. I suck a bit on him til he's just so hard and bitching about me waking him then slide it in. F I gotta keep him, else I'm screwed. He kinda adjust to the situ and starts fucking me for real and I let the ash fall on my dick and he's like wtf.
'It feels good,' I say, and i thought that would scare him but no. He flips me over and damn if he isnt going so hard I'm in pain but it feels good.
'Do you love me?'
'Yeah, owww'
Pushes my legs back fuck I didn't think I could bend this much.
'Just...' I say before I get a serious hit of pain.
'Just what?'
\'Don't pull out and tell me when you do.'
'I am now.'
'Fuck, don't stop, you can again.'
And now I'm shooting all over me and I guess he did too cos he gasps quite a bit and fuck if he doesn't just out and say it 'I think I love you' and f I know that took a lot so now we go in the sea and wash up cos we gotta go see Aunt Sylvia and ffs I hope this goes okay cos this is too perfect to ruin.
Srs..
'It feels good,' I say, and i thought that would scare him but no. He flips me over and damn if he isnt going so hard I'm in pain but it feels good.
'Do you love me?'
'Yeah, owww'
Pushes my legs back fuck I didn't think I could bend this much.
'Just...' I say before I get a serious hit of pain.
'Just what?'
\'Don't pull out and tell me when you do.'
'I am now.'
'Fuck, don't stop, you can again.'
And now I'm shooting all over me and I guess he did too cos he gasps quite a bit and fuck if he doesn't just out and say it 'I think I love you' and f I know that took a lot so now we go in the sea and wash up cos we gotta go see Aunt Sylvia and ffs I hope this goes okay cos this is too perfect to ruin.
Srs..
02 April 2010
Tommy - day two
Jackson talked me into it and we blew our last forty notes on train tickets. I wanted to hitch, we'd have got a lift easy enough and had a bit more cash left for stuff but I can't say no to him, he's just so gentle and defenceless. He said we just had to get out, get the fuck out of this shitty place and be somewhere better, at the seaside.
Right there in front of everyone on the train he hugged me, really hugged me like he didn't ever let go and I was so fucking embarrassed I must have been bright red and I was a bit pissed off with him but what the fuck I just can't say no to him. He does love me, that's obvious but I dont know if I love him back, it's more complicated than that. I want to look after him, for fuck's sake someone has to and they weren't doing it. I can do it, I'm Tommy. I just don't know if it goes any deeper than that and I know he wants the whole romantic deal like one fucking big Valentine's Day for all his life.
There was an old lady watching us and she smiled and said we made a cute couple and that we reminded her of her grandchildren and right there Jackson told her that he loved me, I didn't know what to say. She was nice though and got us some sandwiches and talked a lot about her grandchildren and her husband who died. Poor old bat was probably lonely and needed company but it was good to get some food. That's part of what frightens me about falling in love with Jackson though, what the fuck's he going to do when I'm not there anymore, how's he going to take care of himself without Tommy?
After a bit I fell asleep, it was a long night and I didn't sleep much, too busy worrying about Jackson and how he's going to survive all this shit. fuck he makes me feel so old sometimes.
Well we're here but what're we going to do, where are we going to go? Jackson's managed to find enough cash for some fags and booze which I'll have to get, he's got no chance looking like a little kid then he says why don't we just sleep on the beach. Shit, why not, can't be any worse than under that bridge last night with all the noise and sparks and Jackson so cold I though he might die. It doesn't feel as cold tonight so bollocks to it I strip of my clothes, every last stitch and run straight in to the sea and then Jackson's naked too and the big waves are knocking us all over the place.
I don't know if I love him, I've never loved anyone before so I've got nothing to go on but I could really get used to the idea of being with him like this so that's what I tell him. Now we're lying here naked on a beach and he wants to cuddle and that's OK, if it's not love then whatever it is will do for now. He's asleep now, I wonder what he's dreaming about, and he looks so young and vulnerable. He needs someone to hold him all the time I think, I s'pose that's going to be me. I don't think I mind the idea too much and maybe that's what love really is, I dunno.
Right there in front of everyone on the train he hugged me, really hugged me like he didn't ever let go and I was so fucking embarrassed I must have been bright red and I was a bit pissed off with him but what the fuck I just can't say no to him. He does love me, that's obvious but I dont know if I love him back, it's more complicated than that. I want to look after him, for fuck's sake someone has to and they weren't doing it. I can do it, I'm Tommy. I just don't know if it goes any deeper than that and I know he wants the whole romantic deal like one fucking big Valentine's Day for all his life.
There was an old lady watching us and she smiled and said we made a cute couple and that we reminded her of her grandchildren and right there Jackson told her that he loved me, I didn't know what to say. She was nice though and got us some sandwiches and talked a lot about her grandchildren and her husband who died. Poor old bat was probably lonely and needed company but it was good to get some food. That's part of what frightens me about falling in love with Jackson though, what the fuck's he going to do when I'm not there anymore, how's he going to take care of himself without Tommy?
After a bit I fell asleep, it was a long night and I didn't sleep much, too busy worrying about Jackson and how he's going to survive all this shit. fuck he makes me feel so old sometimes.
Well we're here but what're we going to do, where are we going to go? Jackson's managed to find enough cash for some fags and booze which I'll have to get, he's got no chance looking like a little kid then he says why don't we just sleep on the beach. Shit, why not, can't be any worse than under that bridge last night with all the noise and sparks and Jackson so cold I though he might die. It doesn't feel as cold tonight so bollocks to it I strip of my clothes, every last stitch and run straight in to the sea and then Jackson's naked too and the big waves are knocking us all over the place.
I don't know if I love him, I've never loved anyone before so I've got nothing to go on but I could really get used to the idea of being with him like this so that's what I tell him. Now we're lying here naked on a beach and he wants to cuddle and that's OK, if it's not love then whatever it is will do for now. He's asleep now, I wonder what he's dreaming about, and he looks so young and vulnerable. He needs someone to hold him all the time I think, I s'pose that's going to be me. I don't think I mind the idea too much and maybe that's what love really is, I dunno.
jackson - day 2
We just dropped our last forty quid to just up and do it, got the train. I don't know what is waiting for us but I just had to quit this shit town, and I know I stress Tommy the f out but he's patient like that. I don't think anyone has ever let me just hug them, ya we got some looks and Tommy bitched a bit when I did it on the train in front of everyone. But he let me and some old lady actually leaned over on us and said we were a cute couple which made him turn bright red but I just said thanks and right out told Tommy I love him. She bought us andwiches and rambled on about her grandkids and how we reminded her of them and ffs that's so sad cos I can tell she just doesn't want to be alone, someone so alone like she can't pick her company just wants someone to talk back. She says she was married fourty years before he up and kicked, some outstanding man by her description, ffs I hope no one tries to make me bigger than life when I'm gone. I'm just me.
Tommy is dozing off now and I let him sleep, he's so cute when he does, it's the one time when I know he's just a boy like me. I wish I had his courage but all that's been said to me for as long as I remember is 'you always get caught' and we did. He doesn't know but whenever he slept over I always slipped my hand in his jeans and ...well. Just something about him and me worked from the first time he said 'hi'.
We're at the station now and I can tell he's nervous so I fish around a bit and find enough to get us a pack and a fifth and we can just sleep on the beach tonught. I thought he'd be weird about it but it's all 'I've never been to the beach' and suddenly he's got all the clothes off and running in, I'm like fuck don't go so mad but I do it too and the surf is so rough it's knocking us down.
'I've never loved anyone before but I could get used to this,' he says.
And it takes no lies now cos we're naked under all the stars and f this is so perfect he lets me hold him and I just sleep and drea where those stars can lead us.
Tommy is dozing off now and I let him sleep, he's so cute when he does, it's the one time when I know he's just a boy like me. I wish I had his courage but all that's been said to me for as long as I remember is 'you always get caught' and we did. He doesn't know but whenever he slept over I always slipped my hand in his jeans and ...well. Just something about him and me worked from the first time he said 'hi'.
We're at the station now and I can tell he's nervous so I fish around a bit and find enough to get us a pack and a fifth and we can just sleep on the beach tonught. I thought he'd be weird about it but it's all 'I've never been to the beach' and suddenly he's got all the clothes off and running in, I'm like fuck don't go so mad but I do it too and the surf is so rough it's knocking us down.
'I've never loved anyone before but I could get used to this,' he says.
And it takes no lies now cos we're naked under all the stars and f this is so perfect he lets me hold him and I just sleep and drea where those stars can lead us.
Tommy - day one
I’m so worried about Jackson, the poor kid’s too fragile for this. Yeah he’s just a kid really and way too young and sweet for this. I’ll look after him though, I’m Tommy and if I can cope with that fat drunk Roy then I can cope with this.
Jacksons been crying like a little kid and it hurts to see him like that and he thinks he’s hiding it from me but I know. It’s so fucking cold tonight I’m scared he’ll get sick on me and I’ll have to get him to hospital somehow and that can't happen. His parents have prob’ly reported him missing by now so we’ve got to keep moving but Jackson was so tired we had to stop and I made a fire so he could warm up a bit and he practically sat on top of it, got him some takeaway and he stuffed it in his mouth like he was starving.
Dunno how long it’ll be before they find the old fuckers corpse, no ones going to miss him so it could be weeks, shit the place is going to stink something rotten by then. I’ve done the world a favour getting rid of him, just a fat, drunk waste of space and now he’s gone.
Jackson wanted to cuddle, he’s so needy but I really do care about him though I’m not sure if it’s love, shit I don’t even know what love really is. P’raps it’s just caring so much about someone that you’ll do anything to keep them safe. If that’s what it is then I s’pose I do love him.
He got horny and asked me to fuck him, please. I can’t believe he said please but that’s so like him, he’s so gentle and polite about everything so I couldn’t say no even though we’ve got no lube and I had to use spit, fuck condoms though we don’t need the fucking things. I was scared I was hurting him but he kept saying about how good it was so I kept going and came right inside him in the end ‘cos that’s what he wanted me to do, I just can’t say no to Jackson it’d be like kicking a puppy. What did he do to deserve those shithead parents of his? The times I’ve slept over, the two of us cuddled up in his single bed and all we could hear was those two bastards screaming and swearing at each other, I could see it was tearing him apart and time after time I had to dry his tears. And then the cunts forgot his birthday, I mean his sixteenth fucking birthday and they completely forgot it ‘cos they’re so busy with their own fucked up lives, it’s like they don’t even know he’s there half the time. Poor little shit he never deserved all that and then his dad joining in the fuck up at school when he got caught in the toilets. That’s when he said he’d had enough and wanted out, school, home everything fuck it all and I said yes but I had to take care of something first. Well I took care of that, I’m Tommy, I take care of everything.
This is a shit place under the bridge and every time a train goes by there’s noise and sparks shooting down and Jackson jumps with fright, he’s just not made for this sort of thing. We’ve got to move on as soon as it’s light ‘cos it’s not safe here, too near home and we need to do something about these clothes, there’s blood all over them. Jackson says he’s got an aunt in Brighton and maybe we could go there but I’m not sure, she might split on us and tell his mum and dad we’re there and then the pair of us are totally fucked. I think he just wants to get to the sea, some weird symbol of freedom for him, maybe he thinks he’ll find his Titanic there and we can sail away into some romantic, impossible dream. Pr’aps we can just keep going along the coast then, Bournemouth or even further like Devon or something we just need to disappear, be invisible. This has got to work ‘cos I don’t think Jackson can take it if it all fucks up, I’m scared he’ll try to kill himself and then I’ve fucked up completely, I care for him so much it’d kill me if he did that. I’ll sort it all out somehow, take care of him and me and the world can go fuck itself.
I’m Tommy, I take care of everything.
Jacksons been crying like a little kid and it hurts to see him like that and he thinks he’s hiding it from me but I know. It’s so fucking cold tonight I’m scared he’ll get sick on me and I’ll have to get him to hospital somehow and that can't happen. His parents have prob’ly reported him missing by now so we’ve got to keep moving but Jackson was so tired we had to stop and I made a fire so he could warm up a bit and he practically sat on top of it, got him some takeaway and he stuffed it in his mouth like he was starving.
Dunno how long it’ll be before they find the old fuckers corpse, no ones going to miss him so it could be weeks, shit the place is going to stink something rotten by then. I’ve done the world a favour getting rid of him, just a fat, drunk waste of space and now he’s gone.
Jackson wanted to cuddle, he’s so needy but I really do care about him though I’m not sure if it’s love, shit I don’t even know what love really is. P’raps it’s just caring so much about someone that you’ll do anything to keep them safe. If that’s what it is then I s’pose I do love him.
He got horny and asked me to fuck him, please. I can’t believe he said please but that’s so like him, he’s so gentle and polite about everything so I couldn’t say no even though we’ve got no lube and I had to use spit, fuck condoms though we don’t need the fucking things. I was scared I was hurting him but he kept saying about how good it was so I kept going and came right inside him in the end ‘cos that’s what he wanted me to do, I just can’t say no to Jackson it’d be like kicking a puppy. What did he do to deserve those shithead parents of his? The times I’ve slept over, the two of us cuddled up in his single bed and all we could hear was those two bastards screaming and swearing at each other, I could see it was tearing him apart and time after time I had to dry his tears. And then the cunts forgot his birthday, I mean his sixteenth fucking birthday and they completely forgot it ‘cos they’re so busy with their own fucked up lives, it’s like they don’t even know he’s there half the time. Poor little shit he never deserved all that and then his dad joining in the fuck up at school when he got caught in the toilets. That’s when he said he’d had enough and wanted out, school, home everything fuck it all and I said yes but I had to take care of something first. Well I took care of that, I’m Tommy, I take care of everything.
This is a shit place under the bridge and every time a train goes by there’s noise and sparks shooting down and Jackson jumps with fright, he’s just not made for this sort of thing. We’ve got to move on as soon as it’s light ‘cos it’s not safe here, too near home and we need to do something about these clothes, there’s blood all over them. Jackson says he’s got an aunt in Brighton and maybe we could go there but I’m not sure, she might split on us and tell his mum and dad we’re there and then the pair of us are totally fucked. I think he just wants to get to the sea, some weird symbol of freedom for him, maybe he thinks he’ll find his Titanic there and we can sail away into some romantic, impossible dream. Pr’aps we can just keep going along the coast then, Bournemouth or even further like Devon or something we just need to disappear, be invisible. This has got to work ‘cos I don’t think Jackson can take it if it all fucks up, I’m scared he’ll try to kill himself and then I’ve fucked up completely, I care for him so much it’d kill me if he did that. I’ll sort it all out somehow, take care of him and me and the world can go fuck itself.
I’m Tommy, I take care of everything.
jackson day one
day one
I'm so f'ing cold. Tommy lit up the lantern and I'm almost on top of it.
I cried a lot, not ashamed to admit it. I just always hoped it would not go like this, like maybe Tommy could just move in and we all get along and have pancakes with exta syrup like I like.
I suck at running away I guess. I got stupid stuff and now I'm just scrunched up shivering. Tommy got me a burrito so I'm munching it down so fast I haven't eaten in two days. I pull him close and under my sleepsack and f I have to ask now cuz I'm so f'ing horny.
He says okay trying to act confident and this is so f'ing clumsy but when we finally get it in it's nice, he's gentle and has to ask if it hurts but f it does not like I want him to stop cos every time he pushes it sends me over the moon.
I love him but how the f is this gonna work out cos what money we had/stole is a quarter gone just on fags and food and f what scares me the worst is I'm not so sure he really does love me, that this wasn't just a plan for escape, sure he'lll let me suck his dick or fuck me if I want but is it real?
He came in me and I wanted him to but now the trains overhead are creaking and throwing sparks down that scared me at first til I realized the fire was out well before it hit us but now I just want to take him to the shore and swim in the ocean and maybe then he will do more like love me for real. Else, it's gonna be a shit life and I should just end me now, I was a mistake anyways.
He won't see so I let myself cry a bit and stuff in headphones, White Stripes, f I just wish it had never even gone here somehow I thought while I was munching a taco with tons of fire sauce it wouldn't. Just wake up and mum would say you're boyfriend is here and all that shit. I miss my bed so much but Tommy was all I ever really had and all those nights I had to stick the extra pilow on top to keep the sadness out, they're gone. Tommy is asleep next to me and I've never felt so safe or so f'ing scared, f I love him and this isn't spose to go like this, cops looking for us and shit.
Train passes overhead, it's going some place I'm so f'ing scared we'll never get to see. To the sea, perhaps. my aunt lives there, Brighton, but then she's gonna call mum and f I just want to be free of them
F this world, I have the man I want right next to me, he stinks a bit but he's mine and I love him. If we can't have each other then f it, we'll just go in the ocean and not swim back.
I'm so f'ing cold. Tommy lit up the lantern and I'm almost on top of it.
I cried a lot, not ashamed to admit it. I just always hoped it would not go like this, like maybe Tommy could just move in and we all get along and have pancakes with exta syrup like I like.
I suck at running away I guess. I got stupid stuff and now I'm just scrunched up shivering. Tommy got me a burrito so I'm munching it down so fast I haven't eaten in two days. I pull him close and under my sleepsack and f I have to ask now cuz I'm so f'ing horny.
He says okay trying to act confident and this is so f'ing clumsy but when we finally get it in it's nice, he's gentle and has to ask if it hurts but f it does not like I want him to stop cos every time he pushes it sends me over the moon.
I love him but how the f is this gonna work out cos what money we had/stole is a quarter gone just on fags and food and f what scares me the worst is I'm not so sure he really does love me, that this wasn't just a plan for escape, sure he'lll let me suck his dick or fuck me if I want but is it real?
He came in me and I wanted him to but now the trains overhead are creaking and throwing sparks down that scared me at first til I realized the fire was out well before it hit us but now I just want to take him to the shore and swim in the ocean and maybe then he will do more like love me for real. Else, it's gonna be a shit life and I should just end me now, I was a mistake anyways.
He won't see so I let myself cry a bit and stuff in headphones, White Stripes, f I just wish it had never even gone here somehow I thought while I was munching a taco with tons of fire sauce it wouldn't. Just wake up and mum would say you're boyfriend is here and all that shit. I miss my bed so much but Tommy was all I ever really had and all those nights I had to stick the extra pilow on top to keep the sadness out, they're gone. Tommy is asleep next to me and I've never felt so safe or so f'ing scared, f I love him and this isn't spose to go like this, cops looking for us and shit.
Train passes overhead, it's going some place I'm so f'ing scared we'll never get to see. To the sea, perhaps. my aunt lives there, Brighton, but then she's gonna call mum and f I just want to be free of them
F this world, I have the man I want right next to me, he stinks a bit but he's mine and I love him. If we can't have each other then f it, we'll just go in the ocean and not swim back.
01 April 2010
Tommy - 1 day before
He tosses his backpack against the wall. No need to bother with that til tomorrow, it's mostly just for appearances and neither him nor dad gives a shit whether it gets opened that night for coursework or not.
'Here,' he says, handing his old man the obligatory 12-pack. The pub stopped ID'ing once they realised it would get them in less trouble to give a sixteen year old kid beer so cheap none of the patrons would drink it than to have the kid's dad come over instead. Just one promise in exchange for peace and not being watched by the coppers waiting for Mr. Trouble to show up, be cheerful for the first couple of pints, ask for credit as he never had enough money on him, then get obnoxious. A small price to pay for an open secret.
Too much responsibility for a kid his age, too much especially for a kid who kept winding up in hospital because of having several left feet. Tommy was a good kid, as he made a point of telling the copper who stopped him 'I'm not my father' enough times to get the fat man in blue to look the other way for good. Things became peaceful when Tommy took care of business, a bright respectful boy who always seemed to have a bruise from some random accident passed off with 'oh, trying to skateboard' or 'slipped on a wet kitchen floor' or whatever excuse there might be now. And since most people had gotten well comfortable with looking the other way and acting polite, as Tommy always did in return to a fault, that it just worked. He had grown to like being invisible. There was just one more person who he needed to be invisible to.
'Budweiser? Budweiser?' asks the old man. 'You bought American piss beer?'
'It's cheap,' he says, and bites his lip to add 'dad.'
'But I got my disability cheque today, even made it to the bank to cash it.'
'That's impressive, you actually could stay standing for twenty minutes and not get arrested.'
Tommy knows he's pushing his luck to come out and say it but he's spent the past week getting the guts up to get to tonight, to get Jackson to agree to all of this, shit, he cares about Jackson so much and knows that his plan will work, get both of them out of hell.
'You little cunt,' says Roy, after pounding his first as usual to get the quick buzz he needs to even have a conversation. 'What do you think your mum would say to hear you talk like that to your old man??'
'I wouldn't know, Roy, for fuck's sake you've told me for years she died and I just saw her at the market not a week back, she didn't even recognize me. Or maybe it was the fucking memory of living with you.'
Tommy lets the man pop him once, he knew he would have to anyways, just wasn't expecting it to be quite so hard, he stumbles a bit before catching himself, makes sure to cry so Roy feels guilty enough to stop, at least until he has a few more in him.
'Oh, fuck, Thomas, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry,' says Roy, tries to hug his son but thank fuck loses his balance and has to sit down. He swigs a bit more, or tries to, before realizing it's on to the next.
Tommy thinks this could go easier than he planned, but he's not a stupid kid and he's timed all of this to the day mum 'left them', the day that his old man thinks he doesn't remember.
'Show me your wedding photo again,' says Tommy, after Roy has had enough to get himself steady. He prides himself because he knows already from the off-license Roy went to that the man was hitting it hard, just like always on this day.
The cheque is cashed and the envelope with the notes is sitting right out there. Good, no searching.
Roy stumbles around and digs through a drawer, upsetting all of it.
'Why the fuck is it so buried? You been going through my things?' asks Roy.
'No, uhm, dad, you always say that and you always stuff that cupboard full of receipts.'
Almost like he wants to bury it and Tommy can't blame him there.
The man clutches the photo so clumsy it gets another crumple in it, and Tommy hates to see it but forces himself to. They looked so happy there, and there's his old man looking well fit in his RAF uniform. All it makes Tommy think of is the morning of his seventh birthday when he was mid jerk-off and had to stop and cover up fast because suddenly mum was knocking and in his room and telling him 'someday you'll understand' and 'I love you' and 'when you turn eighteen, look me up' and then gone, all of it gone.
Roy is crying and this is good because Tommy wants him to, even gives up a bit of the precious WKD he lifted from the off-license whilst buying a few packs of smokes, mind you not so many as to arouse suspicion. No one knew him and Jackson were planning quit this shit town first thing tomorrow and it needed to be that way.
'Hey,' whispers Tommy, 'don't cry, dad.'
It makes him sick to even call him dad but he knows he has to, tonight, an act just like all last week. His eyes is swelling and he puts a cold bottle of WKD against it to stop it from closing up. The fucking bastard.
Tomorrow it will all be different.
'I got Shepherd's Pie,' says Tommy. 'Let me pop it in.'
'You're such a good son and I'm such shit dad.'
'It is what it is, isn't it?'
Roy looks surprised and for a minute Tommy thinks he's gonna get it again which he won't allow, but the old man just nods.
He's in control now, the vodka is not something the old man takes to well so the WKD is working fast. If Roy weren't so soused he'd notice it's half-eleven. He's not going to get his last supper since Tommy and Jackson already ate at the Taco Bell hours past.
Jackson drives Tommy a bit nuts because the kid just breaks through Tommy's shell so easy, so many times he's told himself how crazy this is, and it bothers Tommy how Jackson gets so lovey all over him even in public. Like they're going to jump on the Titanic and sing 'My Heart Will Go On' or maybe that's just too near the truth. But they're invisible kids, Jackson because of himself and Tommy because of his old man.
'Can you put this beer in a proper glass at least?' asks Roy, handing Tommy a bottle.
Predictability can kill you. Tommy nods and takes it, popping the top with his lighter and drinking a big gulp of it once out of sight.
He finds a pint glass and rinses it out good to get the stains of the last beer out, scrubbing it in water so hot it burns his fingers, but he won't drop it.
'Okay if I have a quick smoke, Roy?'
'What did you call me?'
"Dad, I asked if it's okay if I have a quick smoke. You really need to get checked out by doc, you're forgetting stuff and not hearing me right.'
He holds his breath, pissed at himself for fucking up, but he gets a pass because the last thing Roy wants is to go to a doctor. He's a drunk but not an idiot and that word will just send long scary words like cirrhosis and melanoma flying about in the old man's head.
'You really shouldn't, but I'm hardly a role model for that, am I?' slurs Roy. Fuck's sake how much did he drink before Tommy got home, and can Tommy really do this? And it's all part a lie, he never forgave mum for that, doesn't want want to see the cunt, I mean at least Jackson's parents stuck together and never hit him. But Tommy gets what Jackson is saying and how prob'ly that hits him just as hard as Roy's slap, it worries him 'cos Jackson is so fragile sometimes and he hopes he isn't fucking things up worse.
But he's Tommy, he's taken care of himself and run the house since he was twelve, he can sure as fuck take care of a sweet kid he cares for more than anyone in years. F'yeah.
He's Tommy, ffs.
Tommy lights a fag and savors it like always, big gulp of WKD with a slight fruity burn when he mixes it with the cheap cig.
It's time.
He tilts the pint glass just right so it doesn't foam up so much, which 'cos he drank half before hand it's half empty. And he finds every cleaning product left and dumps some in, heavy on bleach and peroxide and a dash of rat poison.
He's Tommy, ffs. He has to hope this works. But if need be he'll club the fat old man like a baby seal. Tommy can do anything.
'It's warm,' says Roy, more out of being annoyed than suspicious.
'Sorry, they hadn't got delivery yet. I got you one in the freezer and rest in the fridge, just drink it fast and next one will be ice cold.'
'Why do you take care of me so good, Thomas?'
'Who else will?'
Roy laughs which ends in a cough and does as told, a single gulp almost and it's down.
'Fuck, Thomas, get me real beer next. This beer tastes like bleach!'
The man realises something is not right and tries to stand and Tommy braces for a smack but then Roy just drops and the cheap glass coffee table explodes and fuck there's blood all over his jeans now.
He waits a minute, lights another fag and when it's done he forces himself to check.
No pulse.
It's done.
'Here,' he says, handing his old man the obligatory 12-pack. The pub stopped ID'ing once they realised it would get them in less trouble to give a sixteen year old kid beer so cheap none of the patrons would drink it than to have the kid's dad come over instead. Just one promise in exchange for peace and not being watched by the coppers waiting for Mr. Trouble to show up, be cheerful for the first couple of pints, ask for credit as he never had enough money on him, then get obnoxious. A small price to pay for an open secret.
Too much responsibility for a kid his age, too much especially for a kid who kept winding up in hospital because of having several left feet. Tommy was a good kid, as he made a point of telling the copper who stopped him 'I'm not my father' enough times to get the fat man in blue to look the other way for good. Things became peaceful when Tommy took care of business, a bright respectful boy who always seemed to have a bruise from some random accident passed off with 'oh, trying to skateboard' or 'slipped on a wet kitchen floor' or whatever excuse there might be now. And since most people had gotten well comfortable with looking the other way and acting polite, as Tommy always did in return to a fault, that it just worked. He had grown to like being invisible. There was just one more person who he needed to be invisible to.
'Budweiser? Budweiser?' asks the old man. 'You bought American piss beer?'
'It's cheap,' he says, and bites his lip to add 'dad.'
'But I got my disability cheque today, even made it to the bank to cash it.'
'That's impressive, you actually could stay standing for twenty minutes and not get arrested.'
Tommy knows he's pushing his luck to come out and say it but he's spent the past week getting the guts up to get to tonight, to get Jackson to agree to all of this, shit, he cares about Jackson so much and knows that his plan will work, get both of them out of hell.
'You little cunt,' says Roy, after pounding his first as usual to get the quick buzz he needs to even have a conversation. 'What do you think your mum would say to hear you talk like that to your old man??'
'I wouldn't know, Roy, for fuck's sake you've told me for years she died and I just saw her at the market not a week back, she didn't even recognize me. Or maybe it was the fucking memory of living with you.'
Tommy lets the man pop him once, he knew he would have to anyways, just wasn't expecting it to be quite so hard, he stumbles a bit before catching himself, makes sure to cry so Roy feels guilty enough to stop, at least until he has a few more in him.
'Oh, fuck, Thomas, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry,' says Roy, tries to hug his son but thank fuck loses his balance and has to sit down. He swigs a bit more, or tries to, before realizing it's on to the next.
Tommy thinks this could go easier than he planned, but he's not a stupid kid and he's timed all of this to the day mum 'left them', the day that his old man thinks he doesn't remember.
'Show me your wedding photo again,' says Tommy, after Roy has had enough to get himself steady. He prides himself because he knows already from the off-license Roy went to that the man was hitting it hard, just like always on this day.
The cheque is cashed and the envelope with the notes is sitting right out there. Good, no searching.
Roy stumbles around and digs through a drawer, upsetting all of it.
'Why the fuck is it so buried? You been going through my things?' asks Roy.
'No, uhm, dad, you always say that and you always stuff that cupboard full of receipts.'
Almost like he wants to bury it and Tommy can't blame him there.
The man clutches the photo so clumsy it gets another crumple in it, and Tommy hates to see it but forces himself to. They looked so happy there, and there's his old man looking well fit in his RAF uniform. All it makes Tommy think of is the morning of his seventh birthday when he was mid jerk-off and had to stop and cover up fast because suddenly mum was knocking and in his room and telling him 'someday you'll understand' and 'I love you' and 'when you turn eighteen, look me up' and then gone, all of it gone.
Roy is crying and this is good because Tommy wants him to, even gives up a bit of the precious WKD he lifted from the off-license whilst buying a few packs of smokes, mind you not so many as to arouse suspicion. No one knew him and Jackson were planning quit this shit town first thing tomorrow and it needed to be that way.
'Hey,' whispers Tommy, 'don't cry, dad.'
It makes him sick to even call him dad but he knows he has to, tonight, an act just like all last week. His eyes is swelling and he puts a cold bottle of WKD against it to stop it from closing up. The fucking bastard.
Tomorrow it will all be different.
'I got Shepherd's Pie,' says Tommy. 'Let me pop it in.'
'You're such a good son and I'm such shit dad.'
'It is what it is, isn't it?'
Roy looks surprised and for a minute Tommy thinks he's gonna get it again which he won't allow, but the old man just nods.
He's in control now, the vodka is not something the old man takes to well so the WKD is working fast. If Roy weren't so soused he'd notice it's half-eleven. He's not going to get his last supper since Tommy and Jackson already ate at the Taco Bell hours past.
Jackson drives Tommy a bit nuts because the kid just breaks through Tommy's shell so easy, so many times he's told himself how crazy this is, and it bothers Tommy how Jackson gets so lovey all over him even in public. Like they're going to jump on the Titanic and sing 'My Heart Will Go On' or maybe that's just too near the truth. But they're invisible kids, Jackson because of himself and Tommy because of his old man.
'Can you put this beer in a proper glass at least?' asks Roy, handing Tommy a bottle.
Predictability can kill you. Tommy nods and takes it, popping the top with his lighter and drinking a big gulp of it once out of sight.
He finds a pint glass and rinses it out good to get the stains of the last beer out, scrubbing it in water so hot it burns his fingers, but he won't drop it.
'Okay if I have a quick smoke, Roy?'
'What did you call me?'
"Dad, I asked if it's okay if I have a quick smoke. You really need to get checked out by doc, you're forgetting stuff and not hearing me right.'
He holds his breath, pissed at himself for fucking up, but he gets a pass because the last thing Roy wants is to go to a doctor. He's a drunk but not an idiot and that word will just send long scary words like cirrhosis and melanoma flying about in the old man's head.
'You really shouldn't, but I'm hardly a role model for that, am I?' slurs Roy. Fuck's sake how much did he drink before Tommy got home, and can Tommy really do this? And it's all part a lie, he never forgave mum for that, doesn't want want to see the cunt, I mean at least Jackson's parents stuck together and never hit him. But Tommy gets what Jackson is saying and how prob'ly that hits him just as hard as Roy's slap, it worries him 'cos Jackson is so fragile sometimes and he hopes he isn't fucking things up worse.
But he's Tommy, he's taken care of himself and run the house since he was twelve, he can sure as fuck take care of a sweet kid he cares for more than anyone in years. F'yeah.
He's Tommy, ffs.
Tommy lights a fag and savors it like always, big gulp of WKD with a slight fruity burn when he mixes it with the cheap cig.
It's time.
He tilts the pint glass just right so it doesn't foam up so much, which 'cos he drank half before hand it's half empty. And he finds every cleaning product left and dumps some in, heavy on bleach and peroxide and a dash of rat poison.
He's Tommy, ffs. He has to hope this works. But if need be he'll club the fat old man like a baby seal. Tommy can do anything.
'It's warm,' says Roy, more out of being annoyed than suspicious.
'Sorry, they hadn't got delivery yet. I got you one in the freezer and rest in the fridge, just drink it fast and next one will be ice cold.'
'Why do you take care of me so good, Thomas?'
'Who else will?'
Roy laughs which ends in a cough and does as told, a single gulp almost and it's down.
'Fuck, Thomas, get me real beer next. This beer tastes like bleach!'
The man realises something is not right and tries to stand and Tommy braces for a smack but then Roy just drops and the cheap glass coffee table explodes and fuck there's blood all over his jeans now.
He waits a minute, lights another fag and when it's done he forces himself to check.
No pulse.
It's done.
jackson - 1 day before
I hate this shite. I mean ffs it's all bullshit. If I couldn't pass the test why bother, so I just blew it.
And fuck I still got an 'E'.
Even when I try to fail I don't, but it's still bad enough maybe they'll yell at me.
Tommy actually brought up the big one and even bought me lunch at Taco Bell so I guess it's serious. He's just so cute and it really just...I love him and I never want to see this black eye again. And I can't explain this to mum and dad cos they have their own shit.
Mum, I'm sixteen, you gotta ffs know my birthday was a week ago though you both missed it and instead I just pulled my fav pillow over my face so I couldn't hear it.
This is so fucked up I don't even know what to say, I mean what was this girl coming over. Tommy sleeps over five nights out of seven what do you think that means?
He makes me breakfast before you even get up, he makes sure to find something to make us a bag lunch even tho most days he takes me to KFC or Taco Bell or someplace. And it's just those times I feel like someone gives a fuck.
He's gonna get us free, he told me, for once and all, and I asked that exchange student Jamey who I knda trust what to do cos to be honest I don't. He just said go for it.
Fuck it's half four and they're yelling again, I mean shit it was stupid careless what me and Tommy got caught at but it just happened.
I'm so pissed I mean three hours sleep a night for months now and FUCK
Dad just called me a bent bastard and fuck I want him to go, just go, I dunno what happened next just it's now.
'We can, we should be together, someplace away from all this,' Tommy said, so ffs I just gotta go a bit mad for a few minutes now cos I said ya and he's gonna be at the door in ten.
Check my shit, I been saving allowance money even tho he said no need I got like sixty quid in the jar I got hidden plus and twenty I lifted from my old man when he wasn't looking, just go do it.
They're fighting about me, like always, it's always about me and never they stop to wonder why they could do a full-out fight over the colour of the napkin on the table. I just need to go a bit mad.
I punch hard like I saw in Warcraft, right at the lower back like level 80 rogue and fuck that actually does work, old man is down and now I'm going crazy like I don't even know what I'm doing or saying or fuck what I'm doing I mean I'm beating the shit out of the old man and he's just as shocked as me about this development cos he isn't fighting back. And I guess that's not fair cos he's never hit me but I'm kicking the fuck out of his nuts I just hate him so much.
Tommy is here. It's peace and freedom at last.
And Tommy has cigs so I'm smoking and there's blood on both of us ffs. Idk now what is gonna happen.
And fuck I still got an 'E'.
Even when I try to fail I don't, but it's still bad enough maybe they'll yell at me.
Tommy actually brought up the big one and even bought me lunch at Taco Bell so I guess it's serious. He's just so cute and it really just...I love him and I never want to see this black eye again. And I can't explain this to mum and dad cos they have their own shit.
Mum, I'm sixteen, you gotta ffs know my birthday was a week ago though you both missed it and instead I just pulled my fav pillow over my face so I couldn't hear it.
This is so fucked up I don't even know what to say, I mean what was this girl coming over. Tommy sleeps over five nights out of seven what do you think that means?
He makes me breakfast before you even get up, he makes sure to find something to make us a bag lunch even tho most days he takes me to KFC or Taco Bell or someplace. And it's just those times I feel like someone gives a fuck.
He's gonna get us free, he told me, for once and all, and I asked that exchange student Jamey who I knda trust what to do cos to be honest I don't. He just said go for it.
Fuck it's half four and they're yelling again, I mean shit it was stupid careless what me and Tommy got caught at but it just happened.
I'm so pissed I mean three hours sleep a night for months now and FUCK
Dad just called me a bent bastard and fuck I want him to go, just go, I dunno what happened next just it's now.
'We can, we should be together, someplace away from all this,' Tommy said, so ffs I just gotta go a bit mad for a few minutes now cos I said ya and he's gonna be at the door in ten.
Check my shit, I been saving allowance money even tho he said no need I got like sixty quid in the jar I got hidden plus and twenty I lifted from my old man when he wasn't looking, just go do it.
They're fighting about me, like always, it's always about me and never they stop to wonder why they could do a full-out fight over the colour of the napkin on the table. I just need to go a bit mad.
I punch hard like I saw in Warcraft, right at the lower back like level 80 rogue and fuck that actually does work, old man is down and now I'm going crazy like I don't even know what I'm doing or saying or fuck what I'm doing I mean I'm beating the shit out of the old man and he's just as shocked as me about this development cos he isn't fighting back. And I guess that's not fair cos he's never hit me but I'm kicking the fuck out of his nuts I just hate him so much.
Tommy is here. It's peace and freedom at last.
And Tommy has cigs so I'm smoking and there's blood on both of us ffs. Idk now what is gonna happen.
31 March 2010
the intro.
She paces at the unwelcome intrusion into an otherwise tolerable breakfast that came sailing into their toast and bacon without warning, and knows the divide between her husband and her just increased tenfold.
He is pretending to read the paper, carefully arranging it to avoid direct eye contact, pausing now and again to take a sip of coffee - yes, coffee, every morning for twenty years she has to make him coffee when everyone else is fine with their tea, not some overpriced bullshit that has to be cold by now. He fumbles with his crucifix necklace. Conscious or not, that's the final straw.
'Robert, stop playing with the goddam thing and talk to me. We have to deal with this.'
A grunt and she's almost tempted to drop the plate she's rinsing on the floor, to get a reaction, any reaction is better than this. Whatever happened to the Robby she married, she wonders, the carefree and somewhat crazy hippy kid with the silly laugh? It seemed the older he got, the more he crawled into his religion.
'This is not about you, for fuck's sake,' she says, tearing the paper out of the way to force him to pay attention. Little bits of newsprint flutter to the floor. 'It's about our goddam son.'
'Will you stop using that language? You know I can't stand when you-'
He wisely decides to shut his mouth before finishing the sentence. She's so angry she's turning purple.
'What do you want me to say?' he asks. 'I'll have him talk to the Father, that will straighten him out.'
'Straighten him out? For all I know Father made him this way-'
'How can you say that?? We've been going to the same church for near twenty years and it was only when you and Jackson decided you were better than all of that things went south.'
'Oh, that's rich, you know, screw you. If someone made him this way, you're just as much at fault as me.'
'How do you see that?? I did everything I could to get him into sports, I tried near everything-'
'Yes, that's just great, you know, you hammered into his head every minute of every day of his goddam life that real boys always played sports. No wonder he hates you.'
'How- what? How can you say he hates me?'
'Why do you think it is anytime Jacks has a problem I'm the one he talks to, not you?'
'He's a...'
There's a long silence before she pounds her fist down.
'Fuck's sake you can't even say it can you? He's a queer, a faggot, a bent-'
'I can't say it because it's not true. We can fix this, make him normal-'
'Listen to yourself, jesus Robert I swear sometimes I regret marrying you in the first place.'
'It's not my fucking fault he can't just go play football or rugby like a normal boy, no, he has to fuck around with that skateboard or sit in his room with his paints or hang out with those miserable wastes of life he calls friends. And you fucking encourage all of it-'
'I encourage him to do things he likes doing, things he gets enjoyment out of-'
'Oh, yes, that's just bloody wonderful, you love sensitive boys and it's perfectly fine for-'
'You used to be a fucking sensitive boy, Robert. You used to actually give a flying fuck about life but now you just invite your soddy buddies over to watch Man U and yell and beat your chest like a fucking ape!'
'It's bloody football, that's what men are supposed to do, not flit about in the school WC and get dragged in front of entire year ten because they were-'
'You daft cunt, you think you're such a man but the fucking fact is that a six year old bully could kick your ass up and down without getting a mark on him.'
'How dare you-'
'Oh wait, I forgot, Robert Benson, the absolute shortest man in the firm who makes sure he only hires pretty secretaries that are shorter than him. I imagine that's a pretty goddamned small pool considering what a midget you are.'
'Why are you being such a miserable bitch?'
'It's our son, for fuck's sake, our goddamned son, and you disgrace him right in front of the whole damned class, because god forbid a little man like you actually pick on someone his own size. I have news for you, you keep bitching at the boy to man up when he's already more of a man than you, for fuck's sake his cock is twice the size of yours.'
'And you would sure as bloody hell know, always at him like you are-'
He's cut short by a slap across his face so hard it nearly knocks him off his chair.
'After him? After him? You bloody bastard, Jacks cares how he looks so I surely help him sort out his hair, give him advice when he asks about colors-'
'And you wonder why you've raised such a bent little cunt.'
'Oh, sure, Robert, it's clearly not acceptable for him to care about his looks. I mean god knows you're the shining star example of a real man if not giving a bloody shit about your clothes or your hair is that gold standard. You honestly think, for fucks sake, that you fool anyone with that bad comb-over?'
'I'm not a bloody fruitcake, I'm a man and every bloody step along the way when I tried to make our son a man you sabotaged me like the goddamned Bismarck.'
Progress, she thinks, this smug creature actually stepped out and used His name in vain.
'You are totally fucking useless. Hell, I ask you to iron your own clothes and you burn them. I ask you to do the wash and Jackson has to do it because you're too dense to have the first clue. I ask you to take care of tea and you get takeaway.'
'Oh, love, like your cooking is just so special.'
'Oh? Fine.'
She takes away his half-eaten breakfast and throws it against the wall, a slow smear of eggs sliding down it.
'Your eggs stick to the walls better than glue!' he yells, trying to get control of the situation. 'I am the man of the house and I will deal with-'
He's cut short right then and quite by surprise because Jackson comes from out of nowhere and yells something unintelligible right before a vicious kidney shot that puts the little man on his knees and now she's got to control the boy because he's screaming and crying and kicking his old man, just screaming, 'you fuck, you fuck, i fucking love him and now you've fucked it all up'. It takes everything she has to pull Jackson off and then they're all just quiet, Jackson shaking in rage like a caged panther, Robert all crunched up trying to catch his breath, surrounded by broken china and bacon.
She notices now Jackson has a backpack so overstuffed it barely zips shut and he's holding his laptop and his skateboard, the two things he cares most about.
'Fuck both of you,' he breathes, his words slipping out like nerve gas. 'Fuck both of you. Me and Tommy are leaving, and I hope I never see either of you again.'
She's scared now, tries to pet his face to change his mind but he slaps her hands away, all the things going through her head about all the bad waiting for Jackson, her own anger against Robert building because all the little man is doing is gasping whilst trying to get his breath back.
Tears in Jackson's eyes and then there's someone at the door and it's the kid that he's talking about, Tommy, nursing his own black eye and not looking at anyone but Jackson.
'Are you ready?' he asks Jackson and she catches a wad of cash peeking out of his jeans pocket, bloodstains up and down the whole left side where there isn't a single cut on the boy she can see.
'Yeah, hun,' whispers Jackson, and she tries to plead but is stopped cold when Jackson spins and slaps her. He kicks Robert in the bollocks so hard the man falls over, clutching them.
'Fifteen years, fifteen goddamned years, I've wanted to say this,' says Jackson. 'Just go ahead and kill each other. Leave me the fuck out of your little war and just die, the world will be a better place without either of you in it.'
He is pretending to read the paper, carefully arranging it to avoid direct eye contact, pausing now and again to take a sip of coffee - yes, coffee, every morning for twenty years she has to make him coffee when everyone else is fine with their tea, not some overpriced bullshit that has to be cold by now. He fumbles with his crucifix necklace. Conscious or not, that's the final straw.
'Robert, stop playing with the goddam thing and talk to me. We have to deal with this.'
A grunt and she's almost tempted to drop the plate she's rinsing on the floor, to get a reaction, any reaction is better than this. Whatever happened to the Robby she married, she wonders, the carefree and somewhat crazy hippy kid with the silly laugh? It seemed the older he got, the more he crawled into his religion.
'This is not about you, for fuck's sake,' she says, tearing the paper out of the way to force him to pay attention. Little bits of newsprint flutter to the floor. 'It's about our goddam son.'
'Will you stop using that language? You know I can't stand when you-'
He wisely decides to shut his mouth before finishing the sentence. She's so angry she's turning purple.
'What do you want me to say?' he asks. 'I'll have him talk to the Father, that will straighten him out.'
'Straighten him out? For all I know Father made him this way-'
'How can you say that?? We've been going to the same church for near twenty years and it was only when you and Jackson decided you were better than all of that things went south.'
'Oh, that's rich, you know, screw you. If someone made him this way, you're just as much at fault as me.'
'How do you see that?? I did everything I could to get him into sports, I tried near everything-'
'Yes, that's just great, you know, you hammered into his head every minute of every day of his goddam life that real boys always played sports. No wonder he hates you.'
'How- what? How can you say he hates me?'
'Why do you think it is anytime Jacks has a problem I'm the one he talks to, not you?'
'He's a...'
There's a long silence before she pounds her fist down.
'Fuck's sake you can't even say it can you? He's a queer, a faggot, a bent-'
'I can't say it because it's not true. We can fix this, make him normal-'
'Listen to yourself, jesus Robert I swear sometimes I regret marrying you in the first place.'
'It's not my fucking fault he can't just go play football or rugby like a normal boy, no, he has to fuck around with that skateboard or sit in his room with his paints or hang out with those miserable wastes of life he calls friends. And you fucking encourage all of it-'
'I encourage him to do things he likes doing, things he gets enjoyment out of-'
'Oh, yes, that's just bloody wonderful, you love sensitive boys and it's perfectly fine for-'
'You used to be a fucking sensitive boy, Robert. You used to actually give a flying fuck about life but now you just invite your soddy buddies over to watch Man U and yell and beat your chest like a fucking ape!'
'It's bloody football, that's what men are supposed to do, not flit about in the school WC and get dragged in front of entire year ten because they were-'
'You daft cunt, you think you're such a man but the fucking fact is that a six year old bully could kick your ass up and down without getting a mark on him.'
'How dare you-'
'Oh wait, I forgot, Robert Benson, the absolute shortest man in the firm who makes sure he only hires pretty secretaries that are shorter than him. I imagine that's a pretty goddamned small pool considering what a midget you are.'
'Why are you being such a miserable bitch?'
'It's our son, for fuck's sake, our goddamned son, and you disgrace him right in front of the whole damned class, because god forbid a little man like you actually pick on someone his own size. I have news for you, you keep bitching at the boy to man up when he's already more of a man than you, for fuck's sake his cock is twice the size of yours.'
'And you would sure as bloody hell know, always at him like you are-'
He's cut short by a slap across his face so hard it nearly knocks him off his chair.
'After him? After him? You bloody bastard, Jacks cares how he looks so I surely help him sort out his hair, give him advice when he asks about colors-'
'And you wonder why you've raised such a bent little cunt.'
'Oh, sure, Robert, it's clearly not acceptable for him to care about his looks. I mean god knows you're the shining star example of a real man if not giving a bloody shit about your clothes or your hair is that gold standard. You honestly think, for fucks sake, that you fool anyone with that bad comb-over?'
'I'm not a bloody fruitcake, I'm a man and every bloody step along the way when I tried to make our son a man you sabotaged me like the goddamned Bismarck.'
Progress, she thinks, this smug creature actually stepped out and used His name in vain.
'You are totally fucking useless. Hell, I ask you to iron your own clothes and you burn them. I ask you to do the wash and Jackson has to do it because you're too dense to have the first clue. I ask you to take care of tea and you get takeaway.'
'Oh, love, like your cooking is just so special.'
'Oh? Fine.'
She takes away his half-eaten breakfast and throws it against the wall, a slow smear of eggs sliding down it.
'Your eggs stick to the walls better than glue!' he yells, trying to get control of the situation. 'I am the man of the house and I will deal with-'
He's cut short right then and quite by surprise because Jackson comes from out of nowhere and yells something unintelligible right before a vicious kidney shot that puts the little man on his knees and now she's got to control the boy because he's screaming and crying and kicking his old man, just screaming, 'you fuck, you fuck, i fucking love him and now you've fucked it all up'. It takes everything she has to pull Jackson off and then they're all just quiet, Jackson shaking in rage like a caged panther, Robert all crunched up trying to catch his breath, surrounded by broken china and bacon.
She notices now Jackson has a backpack so overstuffed it barely zips shut and he's holding his laptop and his skateboard, the two things he cares most about.
'Fuck both of you,' he breathes, his words slipping out like nerve gas. 'Fuck both of you. Me and Tommy are leaving, and I hope I never see either of you again.'
She's scared now, tries to pet his face to change his mind but he slaps her hands away, all the things going through her head about all the bad waiting for Jackson, her own anger against Robert building because all the little man is doing is gasping whilst trying to get his breath back.
Tears in Jackson's eyes and then there's someone at the door and it's the kid that he's talking about, Tommy, nursing his own black eye and not looking at anyone but Jackson.
'Are you ready?' he asks Jackson and she catches a wad of cash peeking out of his jeans pocket, bloodstains up and down the whole left side where there isn't a single cut on the boy she can see.
'Yeah, hun,' whispers Jackson, and she tries to plead but is stopped cold when Jackson spins and slaps her. He kicks Robert in the bollocks so hard the man falls over, clutching them.
'Fifteen years, fifteen goddamned years, I've wanted to say this,' says Jackson. 'Just go ahead and kill each other. Leave me the fuck out of your little war and just die, the world will be a better place without either of you in it.'
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