jackson

It's breakfast time now and f my head is killing me. Auntie tells me mum is going to be a few more days as she has things to sort out.
'Did you tell her?'
'She's my sister, Jackson.'
Tommy wanders into the room, looking well dazed and jumps when he sees me, checking behind him as if he expected I'd been following him from the room. I just smile at him.
I decide not to ask anymore details of Aunty. I'm hungry as f and busy with our breakfast. Auntie is having hers in a cup that smells like tea mixed with gasoline. Tommy's stomach is growling so I make him a plate with eggs and bacon and toast. He blinks at me in surprise.
'You made....' he starts and I'm just 'yeah, I know how to cook a bit' almost at the same time Tommy asks 'you can cook?' then 'did your mum teach you?'
Auntie chokes on her toxic tea and Tommy looks a bit annoyed for a second, I guess I get why, I mean there's part of him I guess wishes he'd had a mum around even if she was shit like mine. If only he knew. I guess he likes that I made him breakfast, can't quite tell from his expression, I hope so cos there's a lot of good surprises about me for him to learn as we start our lives together.
'Learning to cook was self-defense,' I say to break the ice, which gets a laugh out of Auntie and a half-smile from Tommy, that cute flash he gives sometimes when I catch him off guard.
'Tommy, I trust you've never had Jacky's cooking. She's my sister and I love her, but she never even sorted out how to make toast and tea.'
'Don't tell her,' I say before I realise it. Somehow I want this to be a secret from her, not entirely sure why but it's one of the few things about me she never knew about or got the chance to try and 'fix'.
Seems like that's the key to surviving, the secrets. When I was fourteen me and an older boy got caught, fortunately only with a pint of vodka as we'd tried the other thing already (not with much luck), and I got read to from some 'successful parenting' pamphlet for days about the dangers of alcohol. A few weeks on, my pen quit on me so I went rummaging in her office to find one. 'Why are there two huge aspirin bottles in the house' I remember thinking so I took a look inside and it wasn't aspirin. Whatever it was, I tried one and f if that didn't put me down like a horse with a broken leg for six hours, had to fake I was coming down with a cold. Next night I snuck out to where I could watch her 'working late' -- always with the headphones, f, no one for two flats on either side could think or sleep with pops snoring unless they grew up next to an RAF base in the second world war.
She was drinking and popping those pills like candy. I thought I heard her crying soft which freaked me a bit, so I just went back into my room and put on my own headphones. A valuable lesson, Jackson, secrets keep you safe, and I figured out how to sneak in my WKD red or blue so they never noticed. Almost got caught with it, but I'm quick like that, I pretended to be revising so mum just assumed it was an energy drink, or maybe she didn't notice the giant bottle at all.
The only problem with secrets is the safer they make you I guess the more you need to feel safe. Special breakfasts my pops claimed he'd made for mum from time to time that I'd just made for myself and he basic'ly took away mine to give to her. Then on I always 'overslept' when really I just lay awake til the last minute so I could avoid trying to choke down her awful cooking and grab McD's instead, mum worried as I never seemed to eat much. No, doctors said I was healthy though, mysteries abound, he's a teenager became the explanation.
The night before the big row I thought I heard something and peeked around the corner into the office. Pills, check, glass of alcohol, check, headphones on the floor, but no mum. Their bathroom door was shut so I got brave and snuck closer. I heard mum in there, sounded like she was crying and maybe puking a bit. I had to retreat to my room fast cos it made me laugh. Pretended to be asleep with my phones on though f I forgot to turn off my desklamp. She stuck her head in and asked 'Jackson?' all quiet. I kept faking sleep. She started towards my bed like she thought for a minute about giving me a goodnight kiss like when I was little, then thank f changed her mind, shut off my lamp and left me alone.
Secrets, they always keep Jackson safe.
For the first time, with Tommy, I feel okay about sharing my secrets, I know it's a bit of a switch-up for him and I gotta explain to him somehow why I seem so different now. Living in that house under their guard was like...like in the zoo where they got the animals behind glass and they tell you not to bang on it cos the sound is a million times louder to the poor thing trapped in there than you could ever imagine. I'm sure once he gets used to not having to play babysitter like he did with his old man he'll sort out that it's not a bad thing, it's just a huge f'ing relief.