Tommy - day three

Jackson woke me at first light which got me pissed, I don't do mornings too well. I tried to roll over to get back to sleep but he kept on at me saying we can't stay here or the coppers will find us. I s'pose he's right but it's just too fucking early yet. Next thing I know he's sucking me and then he's managed to work it so that I'm inside him so I start giving him what he wants. He's so into it that he doesn't even seem to care when he drops a lump of fag ash in his dick, that's got to sting for fuck's sake but he says it feels good which is seriously fucked up but what the hell. I flip him over on his back and drive in hard. I'm hurting him, I know I am but the more it hurts the more he seems to want it and staring into his face I ask the question

"Do you love me?"
"Yeah"
He gives a little sqeal of pain and I push his legs back to drive in deeper and harder which is really hurting him. He tells me not to pull out, he wants me to come in side him, but I'm already doing it.
"You can go again"
Yes I can and just before I get there he's going off all over himself and that puts me over the edge again and right as I'm letting go the words just come out
"I think I love you"
There, I've said it even though I didn't mean to, wasn't sure that it was true but now it has to be true, I can't hurt him by taking the words back.

We run into the sea to clean up and now it's time to see if we can find his Aunt and get something sorted out. I hope to fuck she doesn't split on us, this is Jackson's dream and I don't think he'll cope it if all goes wrong.

jackson - day three

I wake at dawn and I know today is big day so I nudge him gentle and he grunts like okay I know no one wants to get up so early. And we can't keep sleeping here, the coppers will show, surprised they haven't yet. I smoke a fag and Tommy tries to roll over but I won't let him. Plans and all that. I suck a bit on him til he's just so hard and bitching about me waking him then slide it in. F I gotta keep him, else I'm screwed. He kinda adjust to the situ and starts fucking me for real and I let the ash fall on my dick and he's like wtf.
'It feels good,' I say, and i thought that would scare him but no. He flips me over and damn if he isnt going so hard I'm in pain but it feels good.

'Do you love me?'
'Yeah, owww'
Pushes my legs back fuck I didn't think I could bend this much.
'Just...' I say before I get a serious hit of pain.
'Just what?'
\'Don't pull out and tell me when you do.'
'I am now.'
'Fuck, don't stop, you can again.'
And now I'm shooting all over me and I guess he did too cos he gasps quite a bit and fuck if he doesn't just out and say it 'I think I love you' and f I know that took a lot so now we go in the sea and wash up cos we gotta go see Aunt Sylvia and ffs I hope this goes okay cos this is too perfect to ruin.
Srs..

Tommy - day two

Jackson talked me into it and we blew our last forty notes on train tickets. I wanted to hitch, we'd have got a lift easy enough and had a bit more cash left for stuff but I can't say no to him, he's just so gentle and defenceless. He said we just had to get out, get the fuck out of this shitty place and be somewhere better, at the seaside.

Right there in front of everyone on the train he hugged me, really hugged me like he didn't ever let go and I was so fucking embarrassed I must have been bright red and I was a bit pissed off with him but what the fuck I just can't say no to him. He does love me, that's obvious but I dont know if I love him back, it's more complicated than that. I want to look after him, for fuck's sake someone has to and they weren't doing it. I can do it, I'm Tommy. I just don't know if it goes any deeper than that and I know he wants the whole romantic deal like one fucking big Valentine's Day for all his life.

There was an old lady watching us and she smiled and said we made a cute couple and that we reminded her of her grandchildren and right there Jackson told her that he loved me, I didn't know what to say. She was nice though and got us some sandwiches and talked a lot about her grandchildren and her husband who died. Poor old bat was probably lonely and needed company but it was good to get some food. That's part of what frightens me about falling in love with Jackson though, what the fuck's he going to do when I'm not there anymore, how's he going to take care of himself without Tommy?

After a bit I fell asleep, it was a long night and I didn't sleep much, too busy worrying about Jackson and how he's going to survive all this shit. fuck he makes me feel so old sometimes.

Well we're here but what're we going to do, where are we going to go? Jackson's managed to find enough cash for some fags and booze which I'll have to get, he's got no chance looking like a little kid then he says why don't we just sleep on the beach. Shit, why not, can't be any worse than under that bridge last night with all the noise and sparks and Jackson so cold I though he might die. It doesn't feel as cold tonight so bollocks to it I strip of my clothes, every last stitch and run straight in to the sea and then Jackson's naked too and the big waves are knocking us all over the place.

I don't know if I love him, I've never loved anyone before so I've got nothing to go on but I could really get used to the idea of being with him like this so that's what I tell him. Now we're lying here naked on a beach and he wants to cuddle and that's OK, if it's not love then whatever it is will do for now. He's asleep now, I wonder what he's dreaming about, and he looks so young and vulnerable. He needs someone to hold him all the time I think, I s'pose that's going to be me. I don't think I mind the idea too much and maybe that's what love really is, I dunno.

jackson - day 2

We just dropped our last forty quid to just up and do it, got the train. I don't know what is waiting for us but I just had to quit this shit town, and I know I stress Tommy the f out but he's patient like that. I don't think anyone has ever let me just hug them, ya we got some looks and Tommy bitched a bit when I did it on the train in front of everyone. But he let me and some old lady actually leaned over on us and said we were a cute couple which made him turn bright red but I just said thanks and right out told Tommy I love him. She bought us andwiches and rambled on about her grandkids and how we reminded her of them and ffs that's so sad cos I can tell she just doesn't want to be alone, someone so alone like she can't pick her company just wants someone to talk back. She says she was married fourty years before he up and kicked, some outstanding man by her description, ffs I hope no one tries to make me bigger than life when I'm gone. I'm just me.

Tommy is dozing off now and I let him sleep, he's so cute when he does, it's the one time when I know he's just a boy like me. I wish I had his courage but all that's been said to me for as long as I remember is 'you always get caught' and we did. He doesn't know but whenever he slept over I always slipped my hand in his jeans and ...well. Just something about him and me worked from the first time he said 'hi'.

We're at the station now and I can tell he's nervous so I fish around a bit and find enough to get us a pack and a fifth and we can just sleep on the beach tonught. I thought he'd be weird about it but it's all 'I've never been to the beach' and suddenly he's got all the clothes off and running in, I'm like fuck don't go so mad but I do it too and the surf is so rough it's knocking us down.

'I've never loved anyone before but I could get used to this,' he says.

And it takes no lies now cos we're naked under all the stars and f this is so perfect he lets me hold him and I just sleep and drea where those stars can lead us.

Tommy - day one

I’m so worried about Jackson, the poor kid’s too fragile for this. Yeah he’s just a kid really and way too young and sweet for this. I’ll look after him though, I’m Tommy and if I can cope with that fat drunk Roy then I can cope with this.

Jacksons been crying like a little kid and it hurts to see him like that and he thinks he’s hiding it from me but I know. It’s so fucking cold tonight I’m scared he’ll get sick on me and I’ll have to get him to hospital somehow and that can't happen. His parents have prob’ly reported him missing by now so we’ve got to keep moving but Jackson was so tired we had to stop and I made a fire so he could warm up a bit and he practically sat on top of it, got him some takeaway and he stuffed it in his mouth like he was starving.

Dunno how long it’ll be before they find the old fuckers corpse, no ones going to miss him so it could be weeks, shit the place is going to stink something rotten by then. I’ve done the world a favour getting rid of him, just a fat, drunk waste of space and now he’s gone.

Jackson wanted to cuddle, he’s so needy but I really do care about him though I’m not sure if it’s love, shit I don’t even know what love really is. P’raps it’s just caring so much about someone that you’ll do anything to keep them safe. If that’s what it is then I s’pose I do love him.

He got horny and asked me to fuck him, please. I can’t believe he said please but that’s so like him, he’s so gentle and polite about everything so I couldn’t say no even though we’ve got no lube and I had to use spit, fuck condoms though we don’t need the fucking things. I was scared I was hurting him but he kept saying about how good it was so I kept going and came right inside him in the end ‘cos that’s what he wanted me to do, I just can’t say no to Jackson it’d be like kicking a puppy. What did he do to deserve those shithead parents of his? The times I’ve slept over, the two of us cuddled up in his single bed and all we could hear was those two bastards screaming and swearing at each other, I could see it was tearing him apart and time after time I had to dry his tears. And then the cunts forgot his birthday, I mean his sixteenth fucking birthday and they completely forgot it ‘cos they’re so busy with their own fucked up lives, it’s like they don’t even know he’s there half the time. Poor little shit he never deserved all that and then his dad joining in the fuck up at school when he got caught in the toilets. That’s when he said he’d had enough and wanted out, school, home everything fuck it all and I said yes but I had to take care of something first. Well I took care of that, I’m Tommy, I take care of everything.

This is a shit place under the bridge and every time a train goes by there’s noise and sparks shooting down and Jackson jumps with fright, he’s just not made for this sort of thing. We’ve got to move on as soon as it’s light ‘cos it’s not safe here, too near home and we need to do something about these clothes, there’s blood all over them. Jackson says he’s got an aunt in Brighton and maybe we could go there but I’m not sure, she might split on us and tell his mum and dad we’re there and then the pair of us are totally fucked. I think he just wants to get to the sea, some weird symbol of freedom for him, maybe he thinks he’ll find his Titanic there and we can sail away into some romantic, impossible dream. Pr’aps we can just keep going along the coast then, Bournemouth or even further like Devon or something we just need to disappear, be invisible. This has got to work ‘cos I don’t think Jackson can take it if it all fucks up, I’m scared he’ll try to kill himself and then I’ve fucked up completely, I care for him so much it’d kill me if he did that. I’ll sort it all out somehow, take care of him and me and the world can go fuck itself.

I’m Tommy, I take care of everything.

jackson day one

day one

I'm so f'ing cold. Tommy lit up the lantern and I'm almost on top of it.

I cried a lot, not ashamed to admit it. I just always hoped it would not go like this, like maybe Tommy could just move in and we all get along and have pancakes with exta syrup like I like.

I suck at running away I guess. I got stupid stuff and now I'm just scrunched up shivering. Tommy got me a burrito so I'm munching it down so fast I haven't eaten in two days. I pull him close and under my sleepsack and f I have to ask now cuz I'm so f'ing horny.
He says okay trying to act confident and this is so f'ing clumsy but when we finally get it in it's nice, he's gentle and has to ask if it hurts but f it does not like I want him to stop cos every time he pushes it sends me over the moon.
I love him but how the f is this gonna work out cos what money we had/stole is a quarter gone just on fags and food and f what scares me the worst is I'm not so sure he really does love me, that this wasn't just a plan for escape, sure he'lll let me suck his dick or fuck me if I want but is it real?

He came in me and I wanted him to but now the trains overhead are creaking and throwing sparks down that scared me at first til I realized the fire was out well before it hit us but now I just want to take him to the shore and swim in the ocean and maybe then he will do more like love me for real. Else, it's gonna be a shit life and I should just end me now, I was a mistake anyways.

He won't see so I let myself cry a bit and stuff in headphones, White Stripes, f I just wish it had never even gone here somehow I thought while I was munching a taco with tons of fire sauce it wouldn't. Just wake up and mum would say you're boyfriend is here and all that shit. I miss my bed so much but Tommy was all I ever really had and all those nights I had to stick the extra pilow on top to keep the sadness out, they're gone. Tommy is asleep next to me and I've never felt so safe or so f'ing scared, f I love him and this isn't spose to go like this, cops looking for us and shit.

Train passes overhead, it's going some place I'm so f'ing scared we'll never get to see. To the sea, perhaps. my aunt lives there, Brighton, but then she's gonna call mum and f I just want to be free of them

F this world, I have the man I want right next to me, he stinks a bit but he's mine and I love him. If we can't have each other then f it, we'll just go in the ocean and not swim back.

Tommy - 1 day before

He tosses his backpack against the wall. No need to bother with that til tomorrow, it's mostly just for appearances and neither him nor dad gives a shit whether it gets opened that night for coursework or not.
'Here,' he says, handing his old man the obligatory 12-pack. The pub stopped ID'ing once they realised it would get them in less trouble to give a sixteen year old kid beer so cheap none of the patrons would drink it than to have the kid's dad come over instead. Just one promise in exchange for peace and not being watched by the coppers waiting for Mr. Trouble to show up, be cheerful for the first couple of pints, ask for credit as he never had enough money on him, then get obnoxious. A small price to pay for an open secret.
Too much responsibility for a kid his age, too much especially for a kid who kept winding up in hospital because of having several left feet. Tommy was a good kid, as he made a point of telling the copper who stopped him 'I'm not my father' enough times to get the fat man in blue to look the other way for good. Things became peaceful when Tommy took care of business, a bright respectful boy who always seemed to have a bruise from some random accident passed off with 'oh, trying to skateboard' or 'slipped on a wet kitchen floor' or whatever excuse there might be now. And since most people had gotten well comfortable with looking the other way and acting polite, as Tommy always did in return to a fault, that it just worked. He had grown to like being invisible. There was just one more person who he needed to be invisible to.

'Budweiser? Budweiser?' asks the old man. 'You bought American piss beer?'
'It's cheap,' he says, and bites his lip to add 'dad.'
'But I got my disability cheque today, even made it to the bank to cash it.'
'That's impressive, you actually could stay standing for twenty minutes and not get arrested.'
Tommy knows he's pushing his luck to come out and say it but he's spent the past week getting the guts up to get to tonight, to get Jackson to agree to all of this, shit, he cares about Jackson so much and knows that his plan will work, get both of them out of hell.
'You little cunt,' says Roy, after pounding his first as usual to get the quick buzz he needs to even have a conversation. 'What do you think your mum would say to hear you talk like that to your old man??'
'I wouldn't know, Roy, for fuck's sake you've told me for years she died and I just saw her at the market not a week back, she didn't even recognize me. Or maybe it was the fucking memory of living with you.'
Tommy lets the man pop him once, he knew he would have to anyways, just wasn't expecting it to be quite so hard, he stumbles a bit before catching himself, makes sure to cry so Roy feels guilty enough to stop, at least until he has a few more in him.
'Oh, fuck, Thomas, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry,' says Roy, tries to hug his son but thank fuck loses his balance and has to sit down. He swigs a bit more, or tries to, before realizing it's on to the next.
Tommy thinks this could go easier than he planned, but he's not a stupid kid and he's timed all of this to the day mum 'left them', the day that his old man thinks he doesn't remember.
'Show me your wedding photo again,' says Tommy, after Roy has had enough to get himself steady. He prides himself because he knows already from the off-license Roy went to that the man was hitting it hard, just like always on this day.

The cheque is cashed and the envelope with the notes is sitting right out there. Good, no searching.

Roy stumbles around and digs through a drawer, upsetting all of it.
'Why the fuck is it so buried? You been going through my things?' asks Roy.
'No, uhm, dad, you always say that and you always stuff that cupboard full of receipts.'
Almost like he wants to bury it and Tommy can't blame him there.
The man clutches the photo so clumsy it gets another crumple in it, and Tommy hates to see it but forces himself to. They looked so happy there, and there's his old man looking well fit in his RAF uniform. All it makes Tommy think of is the morning of his seventh birthday when he was mid jerk-off and had to stop and cover up fast because suddenly mum was knocking and in his room and telling him 'someday you'll understand' and 'I love you' and 'when you turn eighteen, look me up' and then gone, all of it gone.
Roy is crying and this is good because Tommy wants him to, even gives up a bit of the precious WKD he lifted from the off-license whilst buying a few packs of smokes, mind you not so many as to arouse suspicion. No one knew him and Jackson were planning quit this shit town first thing tomorrow and it needed to be that way.
'Hey,' whispers Tommy, 'don't cry, dad.'
It makes him sick to even call him dad but he knows he has to, tonight, an act just like all last week. His eyes is swelling and he puts a cold bottle of WKD against it to stop it from closing up. The fucking bastard.
Tomorrow it will all be different.
'I got Shepherd's Pie,' says Tommy. 'Let me pop it in.'
'You're such a good son and I'm such shit dad.'
'It is what it is, isn't it?'
Roy looks surprised and for a minute Tommy thinks he's gonna get it again which he won't allow, but the old man just nods.
He's in control now, the vodka is not something the old man takes to well so the WKD is working fast. If Roy weren't so soused he'd notice it's half-eleven. He's not going to get his last supper since Tommy and Jackson already ate at the Taco Bell hours past.
Jackson drives Tommy a bit nuts because the kid just breaks through Tommy's shell so easy, so many times he's told himself how crazy this is, and it bothers Tommy how Jackson gets so lovey all over him even in public. Like they're going to jump on the Titanic and sing 'My Heart Will Go On' or maybe that's just too near the truth. But they're invisible kids, Jackson because of himself and Tommy because of his old man.
'Can you put this beer in a proper glass at least?' asks Roy, handing Tommy a bottle.
Predictability can kill you. Tommy nods and takes it, popping the top with his lighter and drinking a big gulp of it once out of sight.
He finds a pint glass and rinses it out good to get the stains of the last beer out, scrubbing it in water so hot it burns his fingers, but he won't drop it.
'Okay if I have a quick smoke, Roy?'
'What did you call me?'
"Dad, I asked if it's okay if I have a quick smoke. You really need to get checked out by doc, you're forgetting stuff and not hearing me right.'
He holds his breath, pissed at himself for fucking up, but he gets a pass because the last thing Roy wants is to go to a doctor. He's a drunk but not an idiot and that word will just send long scary words like cirrhosis and melanoma flying about in the old man's head.
'You really shouldn't, but I'm hardly a role model for that, am I?' slurs Roy. Fuck's sake how much did he drink before Tommy got home, and can Tommy really do this? And it's all part a lie, he never forgave mum for that, doesn't want want to see the cunt, I mean at least Jackson's parents stuck together and never hit him. But Tommy gets what Jackson is saying and how prob'ly that hits him just as hard as Roy's slap, it worries him 'cos Jackson is so fragile sometimes and he hopes he isn't fucking things up worse.
But he's Tommy, he's taken care of himself and run the house since he was twelve, he can sure as fuck take care of a sweet kid he cares for more than anyone in years. F'yeah.
He's Tommy, ffs.
Tommy lights a fag and savors it like always, big gulp of WKD with a slight fruity burn when he mixes it with the cheap cig.
It's time.
He tilts the pint glass just right so it doesn't foam up so much, which 'cos he drank half before hand it's half empty. And he finds every cleaning product left and dumps some in, heavy on bleach and peroxide and a dash of rat poison.
He's Tommy, ffs. He has to hope this works. But if need be he'll club the fat old man like a baby seal. Tommy can do anything.
'It's warm,' says Roy, more out of being annoyed than suspicious.
'Sorry, they hadn't got delivery yet. I got you one in the freezer and rest in the fridge, just drink it fast and next one will be ice cold.'
'Why do you take care of me so good, Thomas?'
'Who else will?'
Roy laughs which ends in a cough and does as told, a single gulp almost and it's down.
'Fuck, Thomas, get me real beer next. This beer tastes like bleach!'
The man realises something is not right and tries to stand and Tommy braces for a smack but then Roy just drops and the cheap glass coffee table explodes and fuck there's blood all over his jeans now.
He waits a minute, lights another fag and when it's done he forces himself to check.
No pulse.
It's done.